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Inner Monologue Of A Sexiled Freshman

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God I’m drunk. I can’t believe that I actually made it back to the dorm. This is the right dorm, right? Yeah, there’s Scott’s puke stain from last weekend. Okay, good. Idiot can’t hold his booze, not like this champ. *egregiously loud belch*

Ah, looks like the hot quad is still out, nice. Got to remember to go out with those ladies next weekend. You know Marissa is just begging for it. Shit, someone drew another dick on my door whiteboard. Why do we even keep this thing up? It’s just a receptacle for crude penis drawings. Although the veins on this one are pretty good, actually. Respect the details.

Wait, why is the door locked? Shouldn’t Chris be inside? I thought he said that he was just going to stay in and watch some Netflix. Oh God, he better not be masturbating in there. This is bush league; he knows I didn’t bring my keys with me. Fuck, I’ll text him.

Oh wait, he texted me? Forty minutes ago? Shit, must’ve been busy tracking down that pizza Brett wanted so badly. That was pretty good pizza, though. Good call, Brett.

*checks phone*

Chris: Hey, got that girl from bio over tonight. Go somewhere else, sorry bro

Fuuuuuuuuuuccckkk. Dirty bastard. I’m full of grease and beer, so tired, and I just want my bed. Good for him, though. That chick looked way hot on Instagram. How does he do it? I mean, I’m not a chick or anything but I feel like Chris isn’t that good looking. Like, if I were a girl I’d go for me over him. Or maybe I think that I’m better looking than I actually am? What if I think I’m good looking but actually the dudes I think aren’t that great are actually way better than I think? I mean, I’m not a girl. Who knows what they want?

Alright, who’s kidding, I’m the fucking man. Look at this dad bod. Chris just got lucky. If that chick was in my class this would be a whole different scenario. Maybe I should just pound on the door. How much of a dick would that make me? Maybe they’re already done. I would be doing Chris a favor then, getting the girl out of there. He probably would thank me.

Then again, Chris is a bit of a bitch. He’s probably taking his sweet time being all respectful and shit. It’s like, dude, she’s already in your room watching some Mark Wahlberg movie that neither of you even slightly care about. Make your move there, champ. Whatever.

Okay, where the hell am I going to sleep tonight? Who is even back yet? I feel like the hall is never usually this quiet. Is everyone else still out? No, it’s like 2:30. Surely there’s some other people here. Did I get back super early or something? Is everyone else still out partying?

Alright, no, the bars close at 2:00. People are probably just about to get back. Probably stopped for pizza. Good thing Brett and I snagged the last meat lovers, bitch. Wait, is that someone’s light on there at the end of the hall? Whose room is that?

Oh God, it’s the gamers’ room. Of course they’re still up. Probably on another “epic” League of Legends quest, pounding their Mountain Dews and Cool Ranch Doritos. I don’t understand why they always look so greasy. I wonder if they ever shower. I mean, I guess if you know no girl is ever going to touch you, what’s the point? Still though, try leaving your cable-infested cave once in a while. I bet they’ve developed an allergy to sunlight at this point. Clearly not crashing with those guys. I think the stairwell would be a better option.

Wait, is that fucking Jake down at my door? Is that bitch drawing another fucking penis on my whiteboard? Goddammit, Jake! What an asshat.

Oh well, at least I can crash on his futon. He’s pretty cool, so I’m sure he wouldn’t mind. Plus, his mom is still sending him all those care packages. I bet he’s got tons of good food in there. I don’t care if people judge; those double-chocolate-chip cookies are bomb, and if that makes me a bitch then so what? Yeah, Jake’s the best option at this point.

*starts walking over to Jake, a door opens before he gets there*

“Oh, hey Marissa. How’s it going? Have a fun night? Yeah, same here, although I’m locked out of my room right now. Yeah, I think Chris has someone over. Oh, your room is open? Yeah, I’d be down for a movie. That sounds pretty great actually.”

Thank you, Chris.

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