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Like a piece in The Onion, this article could literally just be a headline and still be hilarious. But lucky for everyone (except that skunk), there are more details that somehow make this great story even better.
From FOX 59:
According to police, a fraternity house on the Bloomington campus has been having problems with skunks.
Last Friday, some of the fraternity members were playing basketball when a skunk walked across the court.
Police say Andrew Baldini picked up a shovel and hit the skunk. The skunk was injured by the blow and limped away.
Baldini followed the skunk and hit it several more times with the shovel, killing it on a public sidewalk on East 3rd Street.
Baldini was arrested and transported to the jail on a felony charge of animal cruelty.
No normal human just goes and bashes a poor, helpless life form with a shovel for no reason. In fact, I can only think of two types of people who are even capable of doing such a thing: 1) White trash…
and 2) Psychopaths. I can’t speak to Andrew’s upbringing, but his Cubs shersey seems to hint that he is probably in the latter group. So Baldini must’ve been having some sort of psychotic episode during that basketball game that made him play whack-a-skunk. Did he mistake the black and white skunk for a ref? That’s gotta be it, right?
Mike: “What the fuck are you doing, Baldini?!”
Baldini: “This stupid zebra called me for traveling, but I kept my fucking pivot foot down!”
Mike: “What are you talking about?! That’s not a zebra!”
Baldini: “I know it’s not a real zebra, Mike. I’m not a fucking idiot.”
*Whack* *Whack* *Whack* *Whack* *Whack*
Baldini: “He’s the ref.”
Mike: “He’s not the ref either, you moron, he’s a fucking skunk! A SKUNK THAT YOU SHOULD STOP HITTING WITH THAT SHOVEL!”
Baldini: “I’ll stop hitting him with this shovel when he stops blowing that whistle at me!”
Mike: “THAT’S NOT A WHISTLE THOSE ARE HIS HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEKS FOR HELP!”
Baldini:”Okay well whatever just get him to stop.”
*Whack* *Whack* *Whack* *Whack* *Whack* *Whack* *Whack* *Whack*
I bet that’s it.
If Baldini’s defense is that he was scared of being sprayed by the skunk, which, since he may be from an area that isn’t skunk territory, is a legitimate possibility, I get that. He was simply never taught that skunks aren’t our enemy. You can’t blame him for reacting the way he did. When you see a tiny little fuzzy wuzzy woodland creature in front of you that you know has really bad farts, your first instinct is to go grab the nearest shovel and smash its little skull in. Don’t blame Baldini for that; blame Darwin and his precious “evolution.”
To prevent general lack of skunk awareness from causing something like this to ever happen again, here are a few words about skunks for those of you who learned everything you know about skunks from watching Pepé Le Pew cartoons:
1. Skunks are a lot less prone to sexual assault than Pepé makes them out to be.
2. Skunks only spray when they feel threatened. So if you want to avoid getting sprayed by a skunk, here are some dos and don’ts:
•DO: Pretty much anything that has nothing to do with a shovel.
•DON’T: Do anything to them that involves a shovel.
[via FOX 59]
Image via Shutterstock