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In Defense Of Tim Tebow

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In Defense Of Tim Tebow

First of all, to the die hard Tebow haters, put down your pitchforks and actually listen to what I have to say. At the same time, you Tebow maniacs out there don’t pull off your tagless jockeys in anticipation just yet. Throw your bias aside and try to look at who Tim Tebow actually is, minus the holy virgin spectacle that we’ve all become so accustomed to hearing about. What follows is an objective view of Tim Tebow the football player, not the person, and I’ll be taking a look at why exactly Tim Tebow’s NFL stock has plummeted lower than my standards after a tenth whiskey double.

From the moment Tebow set foot on the field as a Denver Bronco, murmurs of an uprising shook the stands. Tim had one of the most charismatic and polarizing personalities in the NFL. Some saw his constant references to his faith as a sign of inspiration, and his dynamic playmaking ability as a sign of pure talent. Others just saw a pathetically average quarterback getting on his knees for Jesus (take that phrase in whatever way you’d like). The thing nobody realized? Both sides of the argument were right.

Tim Tebow, in his simplest form, is an average quarterback with some spectacular playmaking abilities. His skillset doesn’t translate to the NFL whatsoever, but due to his sheer athletic IQ he is somehow able to make the occasional miraculous play (as seen in the unexpected Denver playoff run). Notice I said “athletic” IQ. I make the distinction, because as far as real world intelligence goes, this kid is about as smart as a burlap sack full of onions. A popular rumor in his college days, one that I openly believe, is that he didn’t even break quadruple digits on his SAT.

I was one of the lucky few to actually witness Tim’s amazing Heisman and National Championship seasons. What I saw was a charismatic and physical force of college future superiority. The Florida Gators created the perfect speed based system to complement Tebow’s aggressive style of play. Whether you love or hate the guy, it’s pretty hard to deny that he was a dominant force in the NCAA.

Witnessing Tebow’s success streak was inspiring, and I’ll be the first to admit that he made a believer out of me. I even agreed with Skip Bayless a few times during the pinnacle of the Tebow-Jets fiasco, a fact I’m very ashamed to admit. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was in part directly responsible for Tebow’s ultimate downfall. While we hail from the same hometown, no, I wasn’t the first guy to hand him a bible in preschool. The real, and very sad, situation is that Tebow’s fans are the exact cause of his near-worthlessness in the NFL.

It seems that every single step of Tim Tebow’s career has been ruthlessly stalked by the ESPN machine. About a third of every single episode of First Take has been dedicated to the guy for the past few years for Christ’s sake. All the while, the Tebow faithful ate it up. When his first season peaked with a clutch playoff win, the ESPN hype train literally broke the sound barrier and flooded every form of media with Tebowmania.

Even when Tebow continued his career for the Jets, the endless stream of headlines on SportsCenter cascaded across the screen. “Today Tim Tebow had a nosebleed, DOES HE HAVE A SECRET COCAINE ADDICTION?” The once reliable outlet for sports news became nothing more than a tabloid shadow of its former self.

While ESPN flicked their proverbial bean over every move Tebow made, our passer was doing what he does best: play like absolute crap in practice. While fans get a fairly limited view of Tebow outside of his game performances, coaches can’t help but rely on the time off camera to analyze their players’ talents. Tebow, to put it lightly, was about as dependable in practice as a quadriplegic racehorse.

While Tebow worked his hardest to deserve a starting job, you have to at least somewhat respect how the coaches saw him in practice. Slow down Allen Iverson, I know it’s practice, “not a game…but practice,” but if Tebow was that bad, can you really blame his coaches for sitting his sanctified ass on the bench?
While Tebow fans and clueless blonde SportsCenter anchors rushed to his defense, maybe all Tim Tebow really needed was a few more objective opinions. Not “All he does is win,” and definitely not “He is the worst thing to ever happen to football.” If Tim Tebow existed in a world without all this hype, he would be a simple backup or third string quarterback, slowly working his way to a possible starting job down the line. While he has undoubtable leadership and big play potential, his mechanics simply aren’t good enough for success yet.

If people could only see Tim Tebow as a player, then there would be at least some interest in him as a relief QB throughout the league. Unfortunately, and mostly due to ESPN’s whoredom, signing Tim Tebow now includes a paparazzi media shitstorm that would make Amanda Bynes shudder in fear.

With all the nonsense that comes with this essentially average football player, it’s no wonder that almost nobody wanted to sign him. Only time will tell how he will mesh with the Patriots, but it seems like the perfect place to end the constant media vomit that Tebow has sloshed through in his career. ESPN might have a massive hard-on for number 15 right now, but let’s all say a Lord’s Prayer that they’ll shut the hell up about it. Everyone, including Tebow, will be better off if they do.


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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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