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Stop Saying I’m Trying To Bang Your Girlfriend. I Am, But Stop Saying It

bang girlfriend cheating guy girl

I’m tired of all this stupid, faux-macho BS; of all these insecure, overly confrontational dudes at bars always being accusatory and instigating random fights to defend the honor of their relationship. It’s ridiculous. Fellas, if I see you at a crowded bar, and you’ve got your girlfriend in one hand and a beer in the other, stop accusing me of trying to fuck your girlfriend. I am, but stop accusing me of it.

Of course I’m trying to to get with your girlfriend; I thought that was abundantly clear. There’s no need to point it out and make things weird for everyone. I don’t have the time, patience, or moral compass to “respect the boundaries of your relationship.” Fuck that noise. This is America. I don’t know what the means, but this is America.

Last week, I was at a crowded bar and had just taken more shots to the dome than JFK in a motorcade (it’s been over 50 years — calm down). All that alcohol quickly caught up to me, and my bladder was soon holding me hostage. I realize I’ve gotta go the bathroom, and I’ve gotta do it ASAP unless I wanna pee my pants in public and relive prom night all over again.

So I make my way to the restroom. It’s a big place, and the whole building is packed to the brim. It’s impossible to walk two steps without stepping on someone’s new Yeezys and accidentally pushing around random douchebaskets.

On my epic journey to a urinal, I accidentally brush shoulders with this cute girl. When I say I accidentally brushed shoulders with her, I mean my shoulder BARELY touched her. It was as light as possible, and it was for half a millisecond. There’s a pretty good chance she didn’t even feel it. But of course her boyfriend witnessed this and he went full Bruce Banner on me.

His eyes got redder than a used tampon and steam was shooting out of his ears. He walks up to me like, “HEY MAN, WE GOT A PROBLEM?” Uh… No, we don’t. The only problem is I gotta urinate and you’re blocking the path, so I may have to pee on you now just to assert my dominance.

He was clearly the drunkest man in North America, and he loudly slurs, “You just touched my girl, you trying to fuck my girlfriend? Is that it?”

Of course I am. But that shoulder brush was just a coincidence, dumbass. Do you really think that’s the game plan? To lightly brush against your girlfriend’s shoulder on my way to take a piss? This guy REALLY thinks my plan is:

1. Lightly brush shoulders with this girl for half a second.
2. ???
3. Fuck her.

What is this, amateur hour? Like I said, of course I wanna bang your girlfriend. But that shoulder brush? It was a separate incident. I wasn’t even gonna start shamelessly hitting on her for at least another hour. You need to just calm down, Chad.

I see a lot of obnoxious, egotistical alpha males constantly guarding their girls as if they’re a knight and the girl’s snatch is a magical castle. Please just get of my way and give a guy a chance.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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