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I’m Thoroughly Convinced That Larry David Is My Grandfather

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The new season of Curb Your Enthusiasm recently premiered, Larry David’s iconic sitcom where he plays a version of himself. Larry is a comedic legend, and rightfully so. He’s a gift from God himself. But for a legend, he has a relatively small list when it comes to his whole body of work. He co-created an obscure sitcom called Seinfeld, did a Woody Allen flick in 2009 called Whatever Works, and of course the aforementioned Curb Your Enthusiasm. He also played Bernie Sanders on Saturday Night Live because they happen to have the same damn voice. But that’s not the point. None of that is the point. The point is that Larry David is almost definitely my grandfather.

I’ve never been more certain of anything in my entire life this week.

I’ve met my grandfather on my mother’s side many times. He’s grumpy, chubby, vaguely racist, and I’m pretty sure he forgot his own name at least six years ago. But I never met my grandpa on my dad’s side. My parents told me that it’s because he “died” before I was born, but I don’t buy it. Perhaps they lied about my paternal grandfather being dead because they don’t want me to know that Larry David is actually my paternal grandfather.

There could be a few reasons why. I Googled it, and Larry David has a net worth of about $900 mil. One day, when Larry David passes away, my greedy ass parents don’t want me to get any of the inheritance. Those assholes wanna hog all that money. Well not on my watch.

Since Larry David is an American treasure, maybe they don’t want my gigantic ego to be inflated even more. They wanna hide the fact that I’m related to such a great man for the sake of my own sanity. This is very selfish and shortsighted of them. I deserve to know the truth.

It all adds up. Sure, I don’t have his comedic brilliance, but if you replace “comedic genius” with “obnoxious hack” then we’re basically the same except I’m decades younger and I can only afford top ramen for every meal. But we’re both eternally grumpy Jewish guys, we both hate all kinds of social interaction, we’re both incredibly neurotic, and we overthink the insignificant details of every day to an absolutely maddening degree. Grandpa Larry and I share a bunch of the same flaws. I understand why my family would keep this from me. We would inevitably get into vicious fist fights at every family reunion. But if my granddad Larry punches me, I can sue that prick and try to pocket some of that Seinfeld dough.

I’ll do whatever I can to prove it, but mark my words, Larry David is definitely my grandpa. I swear on my fake grandpa’s grave.

I compiled all of this undeniable evidence and I confronted my parents about it. I told them that I know the truth. They just sighed and said, “You caused this divorce.”

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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