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I’m Rooting For The Chicago Cubs Because Anthony Rizzo Is My Eskimo Brother

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Yeah, that’s right. Chicago Cubs all-star first baseman Anthony Rizzo (.292/.385/.544) and I have flown the W on the same chick.

You might be thinking to yourself, “Shut up, Rob. You desperate loser. How pathetic do you have to be to even write this? What gaping void in your life do you need to fill so badly that you could possibly justify broadcasting such a transparent and trashy humble brag to the world?”

To that, I say, there’s nothing humble about this.

Or maybe you don’t believe what I’m telling you. I wouldn’t either. That’s a totally rational response, actually. Congratulations, you have a low likelihood of being tricked into working for a pyramid scheme or joining — and consuming the poisoned refreshments provided by — a cult. You are no rube, cherished reader. Still though, as understandably hard to believe as it is, what I am telling you is the absolute truth.

And on second thought, is Anthony Rizzo and I being Eskimo brothers that unbelievable? Really? I think the beautiful woman we both made love to — with, I assume, only somewhat slightly varying degrees of expertise and delivered satisfaction (the sexual difference between me and the all-star professional athlete was probably negligible, I bet… yeah, totally it was) — has herself a type. That type, of course, is guys like me and Rizz (we’re close enough for me to call him Rizz, obviously). I mean, if you locked Anthony Rizzo in a pitch black basement for five years, only fed him 400 calories a day, and hit him in the face with an old, broken table leg once a week, by the time you pulled him out I don’t think we’d look that different, Rizz and I. This is definitely a “she’s got a type” situation.

Or maybe her type is just, “Awesome cool guys.”

*High fives Eskimo brother Anthony Rizzo*

We’re also both lefties. And I bet he likes pizza. I like pizza. It’s like this was meant to be.

Like any good big Eskimo brother, I’ve been filled with nothing but pride watching my little Eskimo bro help lead the Cubbies to the best record in baseball and another shot at the National League pennant. It’s truly special to watch your little Eskimo brother succeed like this, you guys. I hope you all get to experience it one day. So proud of you, Rizz.

Admittedly, under any other circumstances I wouldn’t be cheering for the Cubs to win a pennant for the first time since people would say, “Can you believe it’s already been three months? Feels like just yesterday I was emptying my flamethrower into that bunker on Okinawa,” about the end of World War II. Not to mention their first World Series title since Theodore Roosevelt gave up wandering into forests to nakedly wrestle bears, or whatever, to be president.

I don’t care about the Cubs’ long suffering fans, and I don’t care about breaking curses. The only goat I’m concerned with is being the GOAT Eskimo brother and cheering on my boy Rizz.

So go out there and play your damn heart out, Chicago Cubs all-star first baseman, and my Eskimo brother, Anthony Rizzo. Sure, there’s a whole city behind you, supporting you and rooting for you as you help rescue them from over a hundred years of baseball misery, but when the going gets really tough, know that I, your Eskimo brother, am right there with you. Let’s fly another W. Together.

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