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I’m No Longer A Drinking Lightweight And I Hate It

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In the past, I’ve written a couple of comedically groundbreaking articles about how I’m a huge lightweight when it comes to drinking. In all fairness, I’m not the biggest guy. I’m 5’6” and I weigh 135 pounds soaking wet. Doctors recommend that I never hold balloons because I might float away. And on top of that, I didn’t taste my first drop of alcohol until I was 20. I was a late bloomer. Don’t worry, guys, I know, I’m a special kind of wallflower.

Because it took me a bit too long to finally dive into the booze pool, I was new to the game and would get a buzz of the sheer smell of alcohol. The tables had completely turned and suddenly I was always the most uncontrollable belle of the ball at every party. Part of it was because I was making up for lost time. Everyone has a little bit of a disgusting, degenerate animalistic rage monster in them. The point is that you need to get it all out of your system so you can eventually become a responsible, functional human being in the real world. My friends had already gotten like 75 percent of it outta their systems, while I was just opening up my party package. Basically, I had A LOT of catching up to do.

Because of my small stature and newness to getting hammered, I was a massive lightweight. But I actually loved it. It was a beautiful part of life. I feel like I hit the genetic jackpot.

Being a lightweight was awesome for two reasons:

1. It was convenient

While other bastards were chugging down whatever toxic liquids they could to get drunk, I would already be there. I didn’t want to waste any goddamn time to get lit the hell up, I’m on a tight schedule. I got shit to do, I have an agenda. I gotta write the best articles and continue my inevitable quest to cure AIDS. I wanna get drunk quick because I have work ethic. WORK. ETHIC.

2. It was economical

We’re inching out of a depressing recession and I’m a broke ass college kid whose parents disowned long ago so money is tight. Drinking can be expensive. I used to save enough money to sponsor both a Ugandan child soldier and red panda by being a lightweight. One beer, one shot, and I was blitzed up beyond belief.

But those days are over. I guess I grew tolerance and little Djimon won’t be getting his carton of cigs a week that help easy the stress of working for a warlord. Now I walk through a living hell where five beers will barely even give me a buzz. During my career as a lightweight, five beers would have put me in the hospital. After the fifth can my body would have literally exploded. Now, five beers is nothing. I gotta pregame like an absolute maniac before I step foot outta my apartment on any given Friday night. My bank account is getting boned in the ass because I spend piles of money just to get tipsy.

If you’re a lightweight, DON’T be insecure. Embrace it. Because one day, it’ll all be gone, and you’ll miss those days. Hold onto it and cherish it, because life comes at you fast. It’s all downhill from here.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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