I’m Deeply Terrified I’m Becoming A John Mayer Fan

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It’s like I don’t even know myself anymore. I look into the mirror and I don’t recognize the man standing before me. How could this happen to me? Is there no God? This is going to be hard to say. I just have to rip it off like a band-aid. It hurts to admit this, but they say admitting it is the first step…

I’m becoming a John Mayer fan.

I know, I know! Believe me, I’m not happy about this, either. I have a full team of experts working around the clock trying to fix the situation as we speak. Like anyone, I’ve gone through some rough chapters. I’ve had relatives die from cancer. I’ve had my best friend pass away in a grisly freak accident. Hell, I even saw Prometheus in theaters (that plot had more holes than Kurt Cobain’s skull). But this is EASILY the most tragic thing that’s ever happened in my life.

As we all probably know by now, John Mayer is famously a douchebag. He’s known as a cocky wannabe modern rockstar who plows through famous snatches then writes pretentiously melancholy songs about it. He’s like that overly bro-ish, obnoxious fuckboy that tricks people into thinking he’s an intellectual because he writes poetry in math class.

Everything about him feels negative. Not only does he come off as relentlessly self-centered, he also seems like a total bummer. John Mayer lives in a universe where every day is a rainy Sunday. He’s always whining about something. He’s the annoying “deep” guy that always brings his acoustic guitar to the party. He’s like Adele but with a smaller dick.

He’s so relentlessly sensitive and cynical. I picture John Mayer living in a world where everything is somehow in black-and-white for some reason. If you hung out with him you’d ask “why is life in black-and-white now?” And he’d quietly whisper, “I don’t know,” with a single tear running down his cheek while he finger fucks your girlfriend.

But nevertheless, against my best judgement, I’ve grown to admire the man. Shit.

It started like a week ago. I was on a road trip with my buddy Chris and he started playing John Mayer’s new album on the aux cord. At first I laughed at him, baffled by his awful taste. Then I gradually started to enjoy what I was hearing. I was deeply frightened by this. But it got worse when we switched to some old John Mayer songs.

I thought God, such an beautiful intro to ‘Slow Dancing In A Burning Room’. Wait, WHAT?!

I exclaimed, “Wow, these lyrics in ‘Heartbreak Warfare’ cut so deep, so poetic yet raw.” Hold on, WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!

I remarked, “Wow, ‘Daughters’ is such a beautiful, universal statement on both the nature of parenting and the destructive way our society treats young women.” SOMEONE SHOOT ME.

Guys, I don’t know what’s happening, but it needs to stop. I guess I have to just keep waiting on the world to change. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Image via Instagram/ @johnmayer

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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