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It’s 2017. Lil Yachty songs are corrupting our aux cords, and white trust fund students are singing along to “Broccoli” at fraternity parties across the nation. Gone are the days of coeds getting weird to Skynyrd, as they have sadly been replaced by songs that sound like they could have been written by any Soundcloud rapper on their dad’s Casio keyboard he got back in the 70s. While I understand that the fairer sex may have their reservations when it comes to getting down to the Marshall Tucker Band at a party, I maintain that classic rock rings true to fraternal values far greater than hip-hop ever will. Ten times out of ten, I would pick listening to songs about wreaking havoc with the boys or nailing groupies on the tour bus over songs about every child’s least favorite vegetable.
Nearly every one of my best memories within my fraternity have been accompanied by songs like “The Boys are Back in Town,” which should be considered the fraternal national anthem, and others of the same vein. Classic rock is appropriate for essentially any circumstance. Beers on the patio? Put on some Grateful Dead and get smashed with the brothers. Looking for a fifth year with whom to slam a bottle of Everclear and put some entitled JIs in their place? Look no further than some Guns N’ Roses. Eager to get excessively competitive before a sorority basketball game for philanthropy? Hell’s Bells should do the trick. It’s almost as if these bands wrote these songs for the sole purpose of allowing college-aged males to reach levels of debauchery previously deemed impossible by modern science. The testosterone and carelessness which classic rock spurs up in its listeners is unparalleled by any other genre of music (and even some substances, for that matter).
To any naysayers — put on some classic rock during your next alumni weekend and watch your chapter’s oldest living graduate transform from an 80-year-old geriatric sack of potatoes back into his 20-year-old self who probably pulled more than you ever will. Rock music is a tried and true formula for a damn good time. While hip-hop will help bring some hunnies to the dance floor, rock is what builds brotherhood and everlasting memories. Is that not what fraternity life is all about? Your dad listened to classic rock with his brothers, and so did his dad too. Hell, if your chapter’s founders had access to Ted Nugent’s greatest hits CD, you better believe they would have been slamming the finest light beer that the 1800s had to offer while simultaneously firing off some musket rounds. Classic rock has longevity, while hip-hop has fifteen minutes of fame. Turn on a rock song from 1973 and at least half the room knows all the words. Turn on a hip-hop song from 2014 and half the room “might have heard this once at the club.” As the great Eddie Spaghetti once said, “Rock and roll keeps you in a constant state of juvenile delinquency.” Hip-hop is already pretty much dead; rock and roll will never die..