If Your Liquor Bottles Had Brutally Realistic Labels, Part II

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If there’s one thing I’ve learned about every frat guy I’ve ever met, it’s that they are all raging alcoholics. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, I enjoy all the free booze I’ve generously received through various themed parties and tailgates. I often wonder where I’d be in this world without a red cup of trash can punch in my hand–well, I’d probably be sitting in class, but whatever. Ds get degrees.

You can read Part I here. Thanks for all the alcohol, boys.




No one wants to own up to being the guy sipping on a vodka tonic. Unless it’s mixed with five other liquors, à la the “Adios Motherfucker,” you guys won’t touch the stuff. Somewhere down the line, vodka was deemed the official liquor of girls on a diet who don’t drink beer (guilty).



If you’re a classy, sophisticated ladies’ man (or you think you are) you’re probably sipping on some overpriced scotch. The proof is in the pudding. Just look at some of our favorite alpha males who all drink scotch: Ron Swanson, Don Draper, Ron Burgundy. Let me tell you, chicks dig it.

Peppermint Schnapps


Peppermint Schnapps is the drunk uncle of Wintermint 5 gum. While your sloppy make-outs won’t be as nauseating for her, the aftermath of it coming back up is not so minty fresh.



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Whenever I spot a dude swinging around a cheap bottle of champagne, it means two things: he thinks he’s the most sophisticated MF around, and he’s about to spray that shit everywhere.



You all treat beer like it’s a vital supplement that keeps you from falling apart. Hey, maybe it is, but there’s a trend that ties all you beer-bonging, shotgunning connoisseurs together, and that’s a grade A dad bod. Luckily for you, girls with daddy issues everywhere love it.



Let me tell you about every time I’ve had Everclear–oh yeah, I don’t remember a minute of it.

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After staring at boobs and butts as a TFM intern for eight months, she made her transition to TSM where she happily juggles refreshing Pinterest and looking busy. She is a self proclaimed “strong independent black woman” who enjoys sleeping until late afternoon and not much else. She is, in fact, living under the delusion that she is a princess. Email her:

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