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Over the past few months, the Internet has exploded with hordes of pissed off fat women who feel like they can’t measure up to the standards of beauty set by magazine cover models.
Stop the fucking presses. You mean that you, an angry feminist who can’t put down her bag of cheez-puffs long enough to spend a quarter-mile on an elliptical, don’t measure up to some of the most beautiful people on the planet? When the biggest physical effort you’ve made lately is wiping the orange crust off your fingers to compose a 1000-word exposé on your angry “Girl Power!” blog, maybe your anger is pointed in the wrong direction?
Why all of this sudden hate? Well, it turns out that magazines use the popular photo-editing tool, Photoshop, on their cover models to make them look more appealing. Holy shit, right? Boobs get bigger, waists get smaller, and pasty chunks of arm fat disappear entirely. The so-called “unreasonable” standard of beauty becomes even more distant to these proud cat owners, and you know what? I’m here to tell you that it’s not a big fucking deal.
Makeup Is The Same Fucking Thing
Let’s play the imagination game real quick. Imagine if there was a simple way for EVERY WOMAN IN THE COUNTRY to alter her appearance in a way that makes her more attractive. Imagine she could make her wrinkles virtually disappear, lighten her skin tone, and make her eyes stand out like the only woman who shaves her legs at a feminist rally.
Newsflash: this magical voodoo already exists, and it’s called makeup. If you really think that these magazines are lying to you by doctoring photos, just think about what would happen if they featured Kate Upton’s pimple laden face without her usual pound and a half of concealer. They wouldn’t sell a single copy.
It’s Easier Than Putting The Model On A Diet
Picture this scene with me: you are an expert photographer ready to shoot your next cover model, and in walks Jennifer Lawrence chomping down on a double Baconator and an extra large Frosty. She’s the paid talent for the day, so you can’t exactly ask her to run a few laps around the studio to shed the greasy goodness that makes her stomach look and feel like dipping your hand into a Ziploc bag full of mashed potatoes. So what do you do?
I’ll tell you what: you spend a grand total of five minutes on a computer adjusting her collarbones and passing off the illusion that she has a visible chin. We have the technology. We might as well embrace it.
It’s Healthier Than An Eating Disorder
You might not think I care about things like women’s rights and equality, but this couldn’t be farther from the truth. I love women. I’ve loved many more women than I have men, and I’m just trying to show some compassion here.
What’s worse: making a few clicks to make a model appear hotter than she is, or encouraging her to take the one finger dive in front of a toilet after every meal? Eating disorders ruin lives; Photoshop gives the men of the world a slightly more appealing picture to masturbate to. You can’t argue with logic, and it’s clear what the preferable solution is.
Teen Girls Shouldn’t Have Ugly Role Models
Teenage girls are some of the most impressionable people on the planet. Just look up “Bieber” on Twitter for all the proof you need. We need the children of our country to have valuable role models in their struggle for adulthood, and we don’t need them looking up to chunksters like Oprah and Adele for inspiration. These teenage girls should strive to be babes later in life, and what better way to do it than doctor a few little old magazine photos?
You tell these girls that being attractive is an important goal in life, and guess what happens? They start ordering salads and smoothies instead of scarfing down the typical American 4000 calorie dessert. Chicks get hotter, and these supposedly inflated standards of beauty disappear. This is a big one for me, since my future second wife is knee deep in the sixth grade right now and I want to make sure she comes out as the best woman she can be.
Men Don’t Want Their Fantasies Ruined
Male readers: I don’t know about you, but I don’t like to have my impossibly high standards ruined by reality. When I saw the uncensored pictures of Kate Upton topless, a little bit of me died on the inside. I had spent months proclaiming how utterly bangable she was on social media, and in one fell swoop, I realized that she was just a wolf in a borderline obese sheep’s clothing.
The magazines are clearly just looking out for us, guys. If trimming a hip bone here and there keeps us sexually aroused by a celebrity, who are we to deny them that right? Sex sells, my friends, and nobody likes it when a symbol of feminine perfection gets ruined by cellulite thighs.