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If You Go Home For The Summer, You’re A Moron

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Sunlight peaks through the unevenly hung blinds, the sound of flesh smacking together and a slight moan can be heard off in the distance, and Brian Windhorst’s comically-sized made for radio mug fills the television screen next to a SportsCenter rundown with LeBron James in every subject line. You gather your thoughts and slowly wake up in a haze on the suede couch that reeks of stale beer and vomit from years past for the third straight morning, despite your room being a mere twenty feet away.

You make your way to the kitchen and are quickly reminded of the barren wasteland that is the fraternity fridge, full of nothing but expired condiments and half eaten Del Taco from the prior night’s post-bar run. You stumble upon a Keystone Light coyly hidden in the “vegetable drawer.”

As you crack open the hair of the dog, you try to turn up ESPN to drown out the now deafening sound of your buddy taking his on-again, off-again girlfriend to the thunder dome to no avail. There are fifteen remotes for the cable box and none of them have batteries. Knowing that your boy doesn’t have too much left in the tank, and not being overly enthusiastic about listening in on how much of a “warrior” LeBron is, you rough it out for another minute and a half before a grotesque eruption of grunts violates your eardrums.

Several other deeply disturbed brothers awake and make their way to the living room as if this orgasm was the morning rooster call that signified the start of the day. As everyone bullshits, laughs about, and pieces the night before together, conversation eventually focuses on the hours ahead.

“So what’s the plan for today?”

Such a beautifully simple question. The possibilities are endless, and freedom is at an all-time high. If you haven’t caught on by now, I am, of course, describing the euphoric bliss otherwise known as summer semester.

Many students actually mistakenly migrate home during these months, but the savvy veterans know better. Sure, the college town clears out significantly, and the talent pool of ladies takes a slight dip in quality, but so does the competition. Sometimes the best ability is availability, and you’re certainly that during this summer semester. Not that it’s really a concern to you.

Summer isn’t about getting laid, though you’ll undoubtedly have plenty of opportunities. Summer is about relishing in the carefree, dream-like state of having nothing but time to do whatever you damn well please. You might be enrolled in that gen-ed required sociology class, but after going the first day and copping the digits of that sexy little minx in the blue sundress with an uncharacteristically ample amount of cleavage showing off her magnificent cans, you’ll be covered on both the school and late night booty call fronts. Efficiency at its finest. From then on, it’s smooth sailing. Time to kick back and enjoy the pinnacle of your existence.

Feel like playing 36 holes at the municipal course today? Fuck it, try to fit in 54. Want to float down a river, drinking and pissing on yourself all day? Get the crew together and make moves. Have the sudden urge to road trip to another school solely to switch things up and piss on your rivals house in another area code? Google Maps that shit, and bring plenty of product for the ride.

What you can do on any given day is limitless. The sky just seems bluer, the beer more crisp and cold, and every aspect of your life is genuinely more enjoyable. Hell, you even start volunteering for things you otherwise wouldn’t do. Suddenly, you’re not only mowing the lawn and fixing up the house, you’re taking great pride in doing so. New letters for rush? “Sure, I got it. Just blast some CCR and I’ll get the power tools.”

Nothing beats it. This is the epitome of guys being dudes. That’s what summer is truly about: making both monumental and moderate memories with some of your best buds. At the time, you’ll take it for granted, but before you know it, you’ll be sitting in an office on a Tuesday just wishing you could fill up the cooler and head over to some student housing pool complex one last time. So for the love of God, cherish it. These are easily the best days of your life.

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer, Podcast Host, and Video Guy for Grandex Media. He's Delco trash to the core and a UCF cinema studies graduate because he never got around to applying to an actual film school. Dan is a gambling man, crypto investor, and procrastinator. He enjoys long walks to the water fountain between bench press sets and is not a fan of the homeless, the elderly, or the Phoenix Airport. Email tips to

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