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If Movie Protagonists Were Too Frat To Care

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If Movie Protagonists Were Too Frat To Care

Forrest Gump (Forrest Gump)

I personally think that there should be an extended cut of this movie that shows Forrest dominating at boat races and shotgunning in his days in Tuscaloosa. Other than that, not much to complain about with this fellow. Between fighting in ‘Nam and running a successful shrimping business, Gump had it all. Perhaps he would have dumped Jenny’s needy ass before knocking her up.

Harry Potter (Harry Potter Series):

Probably would have stopped messing with Ginny Weasley after a few weeks. Stage five clinger, that one. He was definitely chosen by the sorting hat to save Gryffindor from becoming a bottom-tier mess. All Harry would have to do to pull mad strange was tell women, “Yeah, I’m the boy who lived. Come check out my magical fish tank.” However, Draco Malfoy has the monopoly on TFTC here. Dude’s dad buys him all the best shit, and he looks down on half-breeds. Draco Malfoy. TFM.

Rudy (Rudy):

Despite Rudy getting no meaningful game action in his college career, he would talk himself up at parties to make it seem like he was a star player. Or at least, a good option off the bench. A little embellishing would go a long way for him, and that meaningless sack he made in a game that was already won would be something he would talk about for years.

The Dude (The Big Lebowski):

The Dude is FAF as is. But that’s just, like, my opinion man.

Max (Mad Max: Fury Road)

Contrary to his quiet demeanor in the film, TFTC Max would be loudly making advances at Imperator Furiosa. He would also be talking constant shit on Immortan Joe’s forces, making jerking off hand motions as he passed them by. Instead of driving a beat-up muscle car, he would probably be rolling through the desert in a new Land Rover, or having a pledge drive him around.

Cooper (Interstellar)

I wouldn’t have to be writing this if Christopher Nolan had given Matty McConaughey more freedom within the script. Come on, Nolan. It was pretty impressive that Cooper was able to manually guide the spaceship into the atmosphere of another planet, but it would have been better if he had done it in an unbuttoned Hawaiian while visibly hungover.

Simba (The Lion King):

I wouldn’t change a whole lot about Simba, either. The guy was a legacy, heir to the kingdom. After his father died, he had to go through one hell of a pledge process before returning to fight Scar. Fuck this movie; I’m tearing up as I write this.

Anakin Skywalker (Star Wars Prequels):

How this whiny fuck ever became a Jedi is beyond me. These movies wouldn’t have sucked so much if Obi-Wan had properly hazed his understudy like a good mentor ought to do. These films are important, though, as they provide us with a good lesson: A proper pledgeship is necessary for the growth and development of new guys. Without this, the balance of the force can get all kinds of fucked up. A few more bows and toes around Episode I, and we wouldn’t be having this discussion. Jedi braids: NF. Killing younglings: NF. Jar-Jar Binks: NF.

Nemo (Finding Nemo):

This particular fish was able to go on a journey all over the ocean, despite having a candy-ass clownfish for a dad. Kid’s got potential. He even had to run through the “ring of fire.” Sounds a lot like Hell Week to me. In hindsight, not much needs to be changed about Nemo. It would probably be best for him to at least change his last name, though. His father, Marlin, was probably that kid who lost his shit and dropped after the first lineup back in his day. Not the kind of reputation you want to drag around with you.

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WJ Cope

He's the real reason people say "No one likes you when you're 23."

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