======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
It’s week 3, and my eyes seem to be back to normal.
I went 3/5 last week and didn’t have to drink a trash smoothie. Thank God. But this week, there is a painful punishment in play. If I don’t go 3/5 or better, I’ll let my roommates fire ping pong balls at my back as hard as they can. So pray for my wellbeing (or don’t) and root for me (or don’t). Either way, the NFL season is cooking, and there is money to be made. Let’s get into it.
All lines via MyBookie.ag. Hit them up for all your gambling needs.
Eagles vs. Giants – Eagles -6
The Birds lost a tough one to the Chiefs last Sunday, but the Giants are more sad than Kevin Durant’s Twitter game. Over 2 games, New York has 97 rushing yards and Eli Manning looks more washed up than that alum who won’t stop showing up at your fraternity 15 years later. I’ll take my boy Carson Wentz and the Birds by a touchdown any day vs. a sad Giant’s team. Lock it in and swallow the key.
Broncos vs. Bills – Broncos -3.5
The Broncos defense is legit, and Trevor Siemian has a stellar 106.9 passer rating on the season. On the other side, the Bills are coming off a horrendous game against the Panthers where they scored 3 points and had 176 total yards. Denver’s D is going to murk Tyrod Taylor, and -3.5 is too nice not to lay the points on them. I’m riding this like a bitter dad rides his son in third grade Pop Warner football.
Chiefs vs. Chargers – Chiefs -3.5
The Chiefs look like they could make a run in the playoffs this year, and Los Angeles hasn’t looked great by any means. Slim Andy Reid and Kareem Hunt are going to have a field day in LA, and I can see them running away with this game faster than Rick Pitino ejaculating in a strip club. KC covers with ease.
Dolphins vs. Jets – Dolphins -6
The Jets didn’t look that awful last week vs. the Raiders, but I’m going to continue betting against them. Jay Cutler looked sharp in his Miami debut, completing 24/33 passes for 230 yards and 1 TD. The combo of Cutler and Jay Ajayi are going to be too extra for the Dolphins, and I can see them winning by at least 1 TD. Fade the Jets, and ride with Mookie Bets.
Steelers vs. Bears – Steelers -7.5
Daaa Bears and Mike Glennon stink more than your morning dump, and the Steelers rolled over the Vikings last week. The -7.5 spread kind of sucks because they have to win by a little more than 1 TD, but I think they’ll cover that with ease. Big Ben is the king of covering spreads, so I’ll take my shot with Pittsburgh.
I’m currently 5-5 on the season, going 5-3 on NFL picks and 0-2 on College Football. I’m going to lay off college for a while because I’m worse at it than I am NFL, which is saying something.
Yes, I did pick all favorites this week, so there’s a great chance I take ping pong balls to my pale, bare back. But whatever; pain is temporary, but Mookie Bets are forever..
Image via Shutterstock