Columns

If I Don’t Go 3-For-5 On These Sports Bets This Weekend, I’ll Take Pepper Spray To The Dome

pepper spray bets sports

Mookie Bets isn’t fucking around anymore. Football is upon us, an I’m as hard as Dwight Schrute in a room full of paper.

So here we go. If these picks go any less than 3-for-5, I’m eating pepper spray with my eyes. So ride or fade; either way, there is a video of me vs. pepper spray on the line. Pray for me.

Lines via MyBookie.ag. Hit them up for all your sportsbook needs.

Seattle Seahawks vs. Green Bay Packers — GB ML -160

Three words: Aaron Fucking Rodgers. I’d take this guy to win at home if he was playing with a broken leg. Yes, Seattle’s defense is scarier than waking up the next day next to a literal donkey, but Green Bay can easily pull this one out in Lambeau. The Packers went 6-2 at home last year, so I’m for sure going to pay the extra juice to hop on the ML.

Oklahoma vs. Ohio State — Over 64

This over is higher than Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill chilling poolside, but it’s that high for a reason. Both these teams score more points than LaMelo Ball in an AAU game; it’s J.T. Barrett vs. Baker Mayfield. Ohio State can score from any point on the field, and although Oklahoma played UTEP last week, Mayfield threw just one incomplete pass. One. Impressive.

Penn State vs. Pittsburgh — PSU -21

PSU is a powerhouse this year, and I will be riding them all season. The 21-point spread seems intimidating, but Pitt almost lost to Youngstown State last week in OT. That’s like grinding with a whale in the basement all night before coming to your senses late night. Anyway, Saquon Barkley and Trace McSorley are going to whop on Pitt, and I’m riding that harder than Alexis Texas on PornHub Premium.

Philadelphia Eagles vs. Washington Redskins — Eagles -1

I’ll admit I’m being a tad biased on this one, but who gives a fuck when a video of me being pepper sprayed in the eyes is on the line? I will be traveling to Washington this weekend to watch the game, so you can bet I was already throwing heavy money on the Eagles. But anyway, the Birds are going to take a metaphorical shit on the Washington R-words, and I think my boy Carson Wentz is going to come out firing. The Eagles improved too much over the offseason for me not to be on this game, but then again they always break my heart so I’m not expecting much. This could easily be the game that makes me tear up.

Oakland Raiders vs. Tennessee Titans — Over 50.5

This game has points written all over it. Over 50.5 is mad doable, and both of these teams were ranked within the top 11 in total offense last season. Mariota is due for a killer season, and Oakland isn’t going to get any worse on the offensive side of the ball. I’m sending it, and so should you.

Well, those are the picks. If I go 2-for-5, follow me on Twitter @ConesDeal to get an early viewing of the video. I am Mookie Bets for a reason, so I already bought the pepper spray and am expecting to take a squirt to the face. Say some Hail Marys for me, because I’m gonna need them.

If you’re in the market for a college football podcast that fucks, listen to Back Door Cover, our sports podcast for people who get weird and gamble. Subscribe here and listen to the latest episode below.

Image via Shutterstock

Email this to a friend

Mookie Bets

Mush bettor, juul addict, and a millennial to blame.

10 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More