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Rough first week. Pepper Spray isn’t fun, at all, but I guess that’s what you get when you go 2 for 5. If you didn’t see the video of my punishment, here it is.
After two hours of my face being on fire, 48 hours of my eyes swelling, and countless hours re-evaluating my life choices, I’m back with another slate of Mookie Bets. If I’m mush and go less than 3/5, I will drink Mush. Whatever leftovers, expired food, spices, and gross shit that is in my fridge/cabinets next week, I will blend it up and slam it down if I don’t go 3/5 or better. Let’s get into it.
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Green Bay Packers Vs. Atlanta Falcons – Green Bay +3
Atlanta struggled against Chicago, and I’ll take Rodgers and points every day of the week. Might even sprinkle a little cash on the ML, but for the sake of my well-being Packers +3 is the pick.
Washington Redskins Vs. Los Angeles Rams – Rams ML -145
Last week the Rams defense looked more terrifying than a sorority girl midway through her walk of shame on a Saturday morning, and they didn’t even have Aaron Donald. The Skins turned the ball over 4 times against the Eagles, and I see them struggling. Cuck Cousins isn’t going to get anything going, and the Skins are going to get eaten alive in Los Angeles this weekend. Sorry Mia Khalifa, but your team’s burnt.
New England Patriots Vs. New Orleans Saints – Patriots -7
Fuck the hot takes floating around about how Tom Brady is done, and that the Patriots are toast this year. They definitely didn’t look sharp against the Chiefs, but the Patriots are the Patriots. I’m sure everyone and their mother has heard this stat, but the Pats lost their opening game in 2001, 2003, and 2014, and each time they have gone on to win the Superbowl. Drew Brees and the Saints didn’t look great against the Vikings, and I’m banking on the Pats to play angry football and stomp on the Saints in New Orleans. Pats by 2 touchdowns.
New York Jets Vs. Oakland Raiders – Raiders -13.5
I’m going to start betting against the Jets every week. The Raiders are going to light them up at home. Oakland to win by at least two touchdowns is a steal against a team that figuratively resembles Hope Solo’s asshole. I’m yuuuge on the Raiders, and think they can win this game by at least 3 touchdowns if they ball like they know how to.
Tennessee Titans Vs. Jacksonville Jaguars – Titans ML -130
The Jaguars now have a winning record for the first time since 2011 and that is about to change. Yes, they looked great against the Texans and Tommy Savage (for a half), but I’m all about the Titans in this one. Blake Bortles lost his top target, Allen Robinson, and that will allow the Titans to stack the box on Leonard Fournette all day. The Titans hung with the Raiders in a close one last week, and now they’re about to roll on the Jags to show who the real top dog is in the AFC South. Pay the juice and lock it in.
Hail Mary’s that DON’T count towards me drinking mush
Eagles ML +200. Wentz will keep the Birds in the game, and if the Eagles can contain the Chiefs offense they have a shot. Love the value on their ML.
Detroit Lions ML +145. The Giants looked horrendous last week, and I’ll take Matt Stafford to win a ballgame on that value any day. Send it if you’re feeling it.
Those are my picks. So ride or fade. Either way, there is a video of me drinking gross shit on the line so it’s a win-win for you. Maybe I’ll go 3/5 this week, but then again my name is Mookie Bets for a reason. Hit me up on Twitter @ConesDeal to follow my degenerate habits, call me mush, or get an early viewing of my punishments..
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