Well, rough week to say the least. I went a stellar 1/5, and, as promised, I took a fury of ping pong balls to my pale, bare back. It currently looks like there are about 5 Ed Sheerans on the back of my body, but whatever. Pain is temporary, but Mookie Bets are forever.
If I don’t deliver this week, I’ll chug an entire gallon of milk. I don’t like milk, and I’m also pretty sure I’m lactose intolerant. So a lot is on the line this time.
So here we go again. I’m 6-7 on the season with my NFL picks, and 0-2 on college football picks. Personally I think I’m due, but I’ve been mushier than a mushroom lately so God knows how these picks will go. Let’s send it.
All lines via MyBookie.ag. Hit them up for all your gambling needs.
Saints vs. Dolphins – Saints -3
This game will be played at 9:30 a.m. in London, so I will be waking up to an L or W already on my record which will set the tone for the day. Either way, I’ll take Drew Brees to take down the pitiful Dolphins (who let me down last week) by 3+ points at a neutral site. The Dolphins secondary got torched last week like Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart on VH1, and they were playing the Jets. I’ll take my chances with Brees.
Jaguars vs. Jets – Jaguars -3
The Jets are a fluke, and their pounding on the Dolphins last week doesn’t mean anything. It’s similar to a one-night stand with a solid 4. Never again. The Jags are legit this year, and their defense is going to eat like Action Bronson on Fuck, That’s Delicious. Send some money on the Jags.
Panthers vs. Patriots – Patriots -9
The Pats almost lost a close one to the Texans last week, but was there ever any doubt that Tom Brady wasn’t leading them to a successful game-winning drive? Exactly. The Pats are back in Gillette against a weak Panthers team, and I’ll take them by 9. All the hits on Cam Newtown over the years are catching up to him like a hangover on Sunday morning after a weekend of being a full-out degenerate, so I’ll take the Pats by a touchdown and some change.
Titans vs. Texans – Titans ML -130
The Titans are one of my favorite teams this year hands down. Even after the Texans almost took down the Pats last week, I’m very confident that the Titans will come away with a win in Houston. My confidence really doesn’t mean anything, as I went 1/5 last week, but who knows. Like I said, I’m due for a W (in my opinion).
Bengals vs. Browns – Bengals -3
DeShone Kizer and the Browns are trashier than that girl who banged your entire pledge class and then some. The Bengals, on the other hand, have a great new offensive coordinator, Bill Lazor, who has already made huge, positive changes. After grotesque outings against the Ravens and Texans, the Bengals almost beat Green Bay in Lambeau last week and are looking to build off that performance. Hop on the Bengals train now, as they’re going to slap the Browns around like a wine bag come game day.
As always, hit me up on Twitter @ConesDeal to get an early viewing of my punishments, call me a fuckface, or keep up with my degenerate gambling habits. Either way, there is money to be made and I’m going to shoot my shot like Isaiah Thomas in the 4th.
Image via Shutterstock