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The biggest news in the NFL this season hasn’t been the games or a scandal or even Tim Tebow secretly deflowering 17-year-olds in a luxury box at Christian rock concerts just because he can. NFL news has been dominated by the hilarious, pledge class level incompetency of the NFL’s replacement officials. These guys get more calls wrong than me when I’m trying to work my cell phone near the end of a twelve-hour bender, which is to say a lot. On a side note, sorry Mom, I was trying to get some “P and V time,” as I so eloquently put it, with a girl named “Monica.”
The most recent and perhaps most glaring example was at the end of Monday’s Packers-Seahawks game, when Golden Tate hauled in what was very clearly a failed Hail Mary just seconds after committing blatant offensive pass interference. I mean, who the hell misses that call? The last time a wide receiver made that obvious of illegal contact was when a shitfaced Donte Stallworth was flooring his SUV through a Florida intersection.
Simply put, the replacement officials are ruining this NFL season. To be fair though, replacing officials in pretty much any industry would serve to ruin that industry. Think about the restaurant industry if you replaced health officials. There would be feces in everything. Don’t believe me? Ask anyone who’s ever worked at a restaurant how little of a shit the kitchen staff really gives. Hell, just watch the movie Waiting…, it’s pretty accurate.
Fast food would be inedible. Jack in the Box tacos would literally just be filled with rat feces. There’d actually be a stable of rats in the back being fed Jack in the Box on one end and shitting into hollow taco shells on the other. That’s how Jack in the Box makes those by the way. They would no longer have to hide their lies with secret, locked back rooms and buttermilk ranch. Hell, you could go to a nice restaurant and probably find enough feces in your glass of wine to wonder whether you’re having some vino at an upscale eatery or the UT Pike house.
One entity that would be improved if it was forced to take on “replacement officials,” or would at least be way more hilarious than infuriating, would be Greek Life offices across the country. My God, think of the mayhem. Sticking with the specific theme of missed penalties, there may very well be riots across college campuses were they to replace normal Greek Life officials with (even more) incompetent replacements.
The biggest party houses would be raging like newly released inmates who were given five hundred dollars to spend on only booze, hookers, and blow. Sororities would be dirty rushing faster than you can say, “that house is full of fat bitches and herpes, just FYI.” Houses that are top in grades and philanthropy would be inexplicably receiving social probation.
They’d be wondering why everyone on a fraternity front lawn was holding red cups and probably assume that the guys vomiting their balls up in the corner of the lawn had just come down with the flu. Besides, they’d be more concerned with having a thirty-minute conference about whether or not it was legal for the sorostitutes to be topless while slip and sliding. Eventually they’d decide that they couldn’t actually decide and just go ahead and allow it.
The replacement officials would see hazing, want to make a call, but be confused about how to make that call and eventually just give up.
“While the contents of the bags being carried by the pledges were shaped like bricks, we cannot at this time conclusively determine what the contents actually were or even the weight of the bags, despite the fact that the pledges who were carrying them were exhausted and crying.”
This of course would be followed by a chorus of boos from GDIs and a thousand angry articles in student newspapers.
But maybe the best part of having replacement officials in Greek Life offices would be the fraternity alumni bursting into the Greek Life offices and strong arming the officials like drunk, raging, Harbaughs.
Official: Okay, we’ll shorten your probation to a week, allow you to keep throwing socials, and for no reason at all we’ll put your neighboring fraternity on probation for the entire month of October. Sound good?
Alum: Fine. But you’re all still incompetent piles of bubbling afterbirth.
Official: Thank you sir. Big fan of yours, by the way.”
Alum: Fuck off.
Replacement Greek Life officials, let chaos reign.