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If European Countries Were Brothers In Your House

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If European Countries Were Brothers In Your House

Europe, as a collective, is a whole other world. It’s a hipster’s wet dream and a place that every basic white girl wants to visit after college to “find themselves.” But if you really look at it, Europe is just a continental representation of a fraternity house, which makes sense, because girls tend to find a lot of things they didn’t know about themselves in fraternity houses, too.

Having already traveled extensively in Europe during a year abroad, it is very apparent that each country holds its own kind of country-wide personality that can be found in nearly every Greek mansion across the United States.

Germany: Chapter’s VP of Finance who constantly harasses people for their dues. Has a 4.0, but turns into a reckless monster after beer number eight.

Spain: Comes from a poor background and is a full-time slacker, but is extremely good looking and spits godlike game. Drinks five nights per week and bangs an inappropriate amount of girls.

Greece: Currently three semesters behind on dues. Claims he shouldn’t have to pay since his great-great-grandfather is a founding father.

Switzerland: That tiny kid that doesn’t have anything going for him other than his multi-million dollar trust fund.

Russia: The 6’5″ resident juice monkey who gets in fights at least once a weekend. Drinks exclusively clear liquor. Will inevitably be dead by the age of 30.

Portugal: The 6th year who everyone constantly forgets exists since he only shows his face at chapter once a month.

Belgium: That kid that kind of looks like Germany, but a bit shorter and uglier. Nobody really knows what he does, or what his major is.

Holland: Doesn’t hide the fact that he deals weed, and basically proclaims it proudly. He also sells some of the best quality marijuana on campus. Deals molly, but basically nobody knows.

Italy: The house Guido. Has 19-inch arms and tans five days a week. He is somehow able to maintain his incredibly jacked and toned physique even with chronic alcohol abuse. Transitioned from wearing Tapout and sparkly jeans to a full Polo and Lacoste wardrobe the day after he received his bid.

Denmark: Doesn’t really have a close-knit friend group. Hangs out with Sweden during the day but goes out drinking with Germany at night. Has the whitest skin in the house. Has never banged higher than a 6.

Luxemburg: Switzerland’s half brother who came to visit one weekend. Still in high school but has an inappropriate amount of money for his age. Nobody, not even his parents, know where he gets it from.

Poland: That dude who always has the newest deep house and trance beats on deck. Constantly plays them at inappropriate times. Unfortunately has the biggest and most expensive speakers in the house. Still has a beef with Germany since he fucked Poland’s girlfriend two years ago.

Ireland: Nobody has seen him sober since he got his bid. People are beginning to get a bit concerned.

Sweden: Liked by almost everyone in the house. Always buys drinks at the bar and knows how to have a good time. All around good looking and performs well in school. Has a very secret cuckold fantasy.

Romania: That guy who constantly tries to get you to buy into his energy drink pyramid scheme.

Ukraine: Became Poland’s roommate after one night where Russia got super wasted and knocked him out. Has a stupid hot girlfriend who he never brings by the house.

England: Most mature guy in the fraternity. Served two terms as president. Just silently sits there and lets people fuck each other up. Highly respected by everyone else.

Turkey: Had a full beard during freshman year. Really likes soccer and destroys stuff whenever his team doesn’t win. Enjoys vulturing other people’s girls for some reason.

Austria: Germany’s little freshman brother. Everyone immediately likes him better as soon as they meet him. Benches 315 for reps.

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Hans Dix

Hans Dix @RealHansDix is an American college student and author. As a seasoned member of the good time club, he is eternally on the run from the fun police. He can be reached at

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