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What’s Your Ideal Spring Break Vacation?

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spring break cruise

With Spring Break set to kick off in less than a month for most Division I schools, anticipation is steadily building for what is sure to be another beautiful dumpster fire all across this vast nation of ours. As a sort of primer for the fast-approaching Spring Break season, I’ve asked some of our deranged writers what their ideal Spring Break vacation is like.

Dan Regester

Staying in Orlando and watching all 5 seasons of Friday Night Lights in 1 week. I guess PCB was alright, too.

Dillon Cheverere

Don’t sleep on skiing.

Jared Borislow



My ideal vacation is locking myself in a dark hotel room with my computer, a carton of Newports, and nothing else but my seething apathy.

Doctor Franzia

To my aunt’s place in Santa Monica to sit in a lawn chair until Jennifer Lawrence jogs by.

Karl Karlson

Somewhere with a hot tub. Hot tubs are tight. It’s a proven fact that hot tubs make places better. I want to buy a hot tub.

Kramer Smash

Ah well theres still an ongoing investigation from my last trip to Ocean Shitty so my counsel advised me not to talk about it.

Papa J

Can’t go wrong with Frat Lauderdale. But not remembering the cruise you were on has been the choice recently.


I didn’t live off of diet coke and cardboard for the last three months to not go somewhere with a beach. I’m drinking back the 10% of my body weight that I lost and not drinking any water so the dehydration makes me delusional enough that I’ll forget the guy I’m with hasn’t showered in 3 days. If no one gets sand in their dick the whole trip’s a bust.

WJ Cope

I’m not gonna lie, I’ve never been too hyped for Spring Break. It never quite seems to live up to expectations for me, and I always find myself enjoying Fall Break a lot more. But for the sake of this discussion, I’ll let my imagination run wild. I’m all about lake trips, so that’s where we’ll start. A full week camping on the lakefront when it’s sunny and 75 sounds perfect to me, and ideally I don’t get any sand in my dick. Shit’s like passing a goddamn kidney stone, and I wouldn’t wish it on my greatest nemesis.

Fuck what the writers think, though. What are YOU doing for Spring Break, or what would you like to do if you hadn’t gambled away all your money on the Super Bowl? Do you prefer traveling to the coast, or maybe the Rockies, or, dare I say, Shasta? Will you just be on a rum and coke bender the whole time? Let us know in the comments.

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WJ Cope

He's the real reason people say "No one likes you when you're 23."

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