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Ideal Songs for Porch Drinking

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Another week well lived, another shot at relaxation. Sure, maybe that officer didn’t cite you because he was a brother back in the day, but that doesn’t mean one of his less lenient coworkers won’t be going full blood and vengeance on your next party. Why not live for now? Break out a cooler of cheap booze (or just let it stay in the case if you’re up in the chilly states) and have a few on the porch with your good buddy Karl. It’s sensible, sensual, and a damn good time.

Leave your suggestions in the comments for a chance to be featured on next week’s edition. The top comment will be recognized as a Fan Favorite and whichever track churns my jimmies the most will get an honorable mention. Let’s crank some tunes.

Fan Favorite: Pretty Good at Drinking Beer, Billy Currington

Recommended by Corn1845. Not gonna lie, this recommendation kind of surprised me. Didn’t know you guys were down with my boy Billy Beer-Belly but y’all came through big time in the comments. There’s not much to say about this track. It’s chill, smooth, and goes down easy. That’s really all you need to know.

Honorable Mention: As Good As I Once Was, Toby Keith

Recommended by Mister Sinatra, and if it’s good enough for Frank it’s good enough for me. I can’t express enough how clutch y’all were in the comments section this week. Keep bringing the heat. As for the song, it’s vintage Toby Keith and really echoes through for an old hat like myself who has a bum knee and is slowly losing the pop in his softball bat but will still do his best to kick some ass.

1. I Think I’ll Just Stay Here and Drink, Merle Haggard

Every single time this song opens I find myself struck with a sorrowful smile. If the late, great Merle Haggard taught us anything it’s that sometimes the best thing to do is just hang around and drink. Highly enjoyable both among good friends and for the occasional lonesome two fingers on a clear night.

2. Elephant, Tame Impala

For the longest time I thought this group was just a big ol’ hipster mess. I actively avoided listening to their music due to assuming that they were pure synth-sound and horseshit. I was wrong and Tame, if you’re reading this (and I know you are), I’m sorry. You guys remind me of the Beatles or Beach Boys and I dig it. Also, is this song about dicks? Thanks.

3. If You Don’t Start Drinking (I’m Gonna Leave), George Thorogood

George Thorogood is the smartest son of a bitch in the history of music. Despite the fact that it’s reported he doesn’t partake in any libations, he writes almost solely drinking songs. That’d be like if Biggie never slung rocks or Garth never hung out with deplorables like us. I respect the fuck out of that, Mr. Thorogood.

4. Hot Rod Lincoln, Commander Cody and his Lost Planet Airmen

I have to give some love to one of my Twitter followers, josh, for sliding this song into my mentions. I hadn’t heard it in ages and now I’ve probably looped it 400 times. Just a song with high energy and a hell of a story.

5. Lemme Freak, Lil Dicky

Still my favorite track from Mr. Leftward Sloping Penis himself. Both rappable for the patient listener and an absolute hoot. It also fucking goes so just listen to the shit.

6. Codeine, Jason Isbell & the 400 Unit

I’m still digesting this particular tune, but I know I like the instrumentals a LOT. There are areas where it seems to be a bummer but it doesn’t go full on sad like Barry Manilow or 80% of the songs by T Swift’s headass. I think I like it, and I know it pairs well with a cold brew.

7. Hey Pocky A-Way, The Meters

You guys know I’m a big funk guy. That’s why it’s essential to have a tune like this if you’re trying to have a good time. Also, there’s a subtle reference to boning some jive-ass turkey’s sister and I dig that too.

8. I’m Broke, Black Joe Lewis

I’m a HUGE Black Joe Lewis guy. HUGE. I don’t know whether it’s the fact that most of his tracks are absolutely ridiculous or because he actually has some tracks that really bring it. Maybe he’s not your cup of Joe (heh), but I figured I’d float him out there for any curious parties. All about that exposure.

9. Ten Crack Commandments, Notorious B.I.G.

If you can’t vibe with a left handed cig and a glass of cold brew to this song then you’re not worthy of chilling on the porch. Your chill level is non-existent. You need to go fuck yourself. The fact that Biggie was spitting straight bars from a casket is pretty impressive too, and you have to think his business acumen was an important part of his rap game. “Keep your family and your business completely separated” is both the best rule of trapping and one of the most abrasively awesome verses in the history of hip hop.

10. Turn the Page, Bob Seger

Few things send a chill down a man’s spine like that first wail on the saxophone. It’s all better from there as well, because Bob Seger is arguably the finest singer/songwriter in the history of fucking music and it might not even be close. Disagree? That’s fine. Music is a divisive subject. Just have a brew and tell me to sodomize a toaster.

If you enjoyed this list, click the banner below to view every edition of Ideal Songs on Spotify. Again, be sure to leave your suggestions in the comments and, as always, don’t drink and drive.

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Karl Karlson

Karl Karlson is TFM’s self-proclaimed cartoon expert and your best buddy. He resides in the mountains of NC where he wrestles black bears and attempts to grow a beard. Karl gave up liquor following an unfortunate incident involving tequila and a vacuum cleaner, but he isn’t above a nice stout on the porch.

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