Wow, you really crushed it this week. You didn’t miss any important classes, kept your nose clean (heh), and actually managed to mend some fences when you casually mentioned to that girl with the nose ring how you once punched a hole in a wall. You should celebrate, and there’s only one socially acceptable way to do it on a Sunday before five o’clock — porch boozing. Sure, it’s cold as shit out, but porch drinking isn’t just an activity. No, porch drinking is a state of being. Spark a fire (a safe distance away from flammable surfaces, of course), crack a top, and get those piece of shit spring pledges working like dogs for your enjoyment. It’s time to chill.
Submit your suggestions in the comments for a chance to be featured on the next installment. The top comment will be recognized as the fan favorite jam of the week. Whatever song I dig the most will get an honorable mention.
Fan Favorite: Chug-A-Lug, Roger Miller
Suggested by Sir Carlos III. A harbinger of good times. I spent a solid 30 minutes in full existential crisis mode because I could have sworn this song had made the list in some incarnation. Clearly, there is still much to learn on this porch drinking journey. Please, join me in getting sauced and learning about music.
Honorable Mention: Come on Eileen, Dexys Midnight Runners
Suggested by Shut Up Meg. Remember the episode where Peter takes Meg to visit colleges and they end up being friends? That’s Meg this week. Anyway, this “sauceable tune” (again, heh) is a perfect pick-me-up if you’re feeling a little fuzzy after last night. Embrace it.
1. Lack of Water, The Why Store
On the off chance that we have any huge fans of The Why Store hanging out on our site, tell me everything there is to know about this group please. Somehow, they can take a depressing as hell title like “Lack of Water” and make it into a pretty stellar piece of music. They’re apparently from the ’80s, so chances are they drank a lot of Kool-Aid with Dire Straits.
2. Georgia, Ludacris
Rap is beautiful because, much like country, it can make someone from the suburbs feel like they “put on” for a city like Atlanta or LA. The sampling in this song is both tasteful and hot, as are Luda’s predictably fire bars.
3. Crosscut Saw, Tab Benoit
Tab Benoit is a Louisiana blues artist most renowned for his work ethic. Where most musicians spend countless hours in the studio or doing promotional work, Benoit knows that the best way to get his music out there is to play every bar, open mic, or birthday party he can possibly find. His guitar prowess has been compared to the likes of Jimi Hendrix, but Tab isn’t hearing that. Smart man, Tab. Don’t ever dishonor Jimi. Regardless, he does a stellar job on this blues staple.
4. Sweet Hitchhiker, Sammy Hagar
You know who has some hot music takes? Bill Burr. I heard once that he thinks Sammy Hagar would have been way bigger if he’d never joined Van Halen. That might sound stupid, but when you hear stuff like this or anything off of Standing Hampton, you might be inclined to agree. This song appears to be about titties, but Hagar was doing so much coke back then that we’ll probably never know.
5. Santa Monica, Everclear
Oh, Everclear. Your music fills us with such fond memories. Like convincing gas station people to buy us beer before we received a handjob from a girl who was less enthusiastic than Jay-Z at a lemonade stand. Simpler times indeed. Play on, Everclear. You will always have a place in our dreams.
6. Two Hits and the Joint Turned Brown, Yonder Mountain String Band
For the discerning customer who prefers funny smelling cigarettes to the normal kind, I present Yonder Mountain String Band. They’re a jam group with a dash of bluegrass. Also, they have a fun name and songs with long titles. We like them.
7. 40 Oz. To Freedom, Sublime
Did you know that if you include a Four Loko with your 40 Oz. To Freedom, you’re drinking something referred to as a Sidewalk Slammer? I didn’t either. I thought that just meant you were a goddamn sociopath and probably need to seek help.
8. Put It On Me, Ja Rule
“What would I be without my bay-bay?” So begins one of the best “I love your ass, bitch” songs of all time. Ja Rule sounds angry about 70% of the time, but he sure talks kindly to women. Let your female guests see how sensitive but firm you are… until they ask you who Ja Rule is and you have to excuse yourself to weep sad old man tears. Fuck.
9. Bang My Head, Cross Canadian Ragweed
Was banging my head last night and it started bleeding. Always use lotion, kids.
Apparently Cross Canadian Ragweed is the CCR you guys have been asking me to include for a while now. I get it. For having “Canadian” in their name, they kind of kick ass. Not sure about the cucumber thing, though.
10. The Bird Hunters, Turnpike Troubadours
The fiddle will make you want to diddle yourself and the guitar will make you want to absolutely crush brew-ha-has. Choose wisely which hand you use for either activity, and for the love of God don’t get confused about which one is violently shaken and which one you stab with a key. Things could get messy quick.
Again, drop your suggestions in the comments for a chance to be featured. Until then, don’t burn your house down and, as always, don’t drink and drive.
If you liked this list, check out the entire Ideal Songs For Porch Drinking collection on Spotify: