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I Wish I’d Been There For This Key West Bar Fight That Was Instigated By An Errant Fart

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At Sloppy Joe’s, one of author Ernest Hemingway’s most notable Key West watering holes, a fight broke out last week after one woman’s fart offended another woman. It was like Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea come to life, except Santiago was a drunk, menopausal tourist, and the marlin was a still-unidentified woman with a weak stomach who’d probably eaten one too many conch fritters.

From Miami Herald:

According to the police report, a fight broke out between two couples this week when someone, who Friday remained unidentified, allegedly broke wind inside Sloppy Joe’s, 201 Duval St.

“The argument was due to someone farting,” police were told by a man who went to the hospital for a dislocated shoulder after the scrap.

Gotta love how the Miami Herald used the synonym for fight that sounds closest to “crap.” Okay, time to look for some positives from this whole ordeal. As a self-loathing native Floridian, this at least doesn’t reflect poorly on my home state. It happened in Key West, so surely this was all just a battle of tourist trash, yes?

Richard McBride, 53, and his girlfriend Sandra Stoner, 55, both of Naples, said they were caught up in a physical altercation after the argument arose “over a fart,” Officer Igor Kasyanenko wrote after last Monday’s incident.

GOD DAMN IT YOU FLORIDIANS AND YOUR STAYCATIONS. Stop embarrassing the rest of us one damn time! God, I’ve had enough of my fellow statesman. I’m just going to enter into a self-delusional state wherein I’ve convinced myself that Richard McBride and Sandra Stoner are Italian names and that they’re actually tourists from Naples, Italy. This is what we Floridians have to do to deal with our condition.

The couple said they were drinking with friends at the bar when Stoner traded words with an unidentified woman before getting out of her seat and confronting her in “an aggressive manner,” police said.

An unidentified man tried to pull the woman away as others began to step into the dispute, including McBride, who pushed the man, police said. The man retaliated by striking McBride in the face and McBride responded by tackling, Stoner told police.

Yes, because the normal response when someone farts is to want to get as close to them as humanly possible.

Damn those feisty Italians and their hatred of flatulence! I don’t know how much you skinny Italianos pass wind back over there in your boot country, but, here in America, farts are something of which to be proud. Instead of confrontation, next time offer congratulations, you pasta-sucking bigots. That kind of hatred won’t be tolerated here.

[via Miami Herald]

Image via jiawangkun /

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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