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Despite putting up Pro Bowl-caliber numbers this year and inching closer to a very likely third Super Bowl championship, Rob Gronkowski is clearly itching to establish himself in a career outside of football. Search your feelings, you know it to be true. He’s really got nothing left to prove on the field, and his proneness to injury will likely only increase with age. Unless he’s all-in on the TB12 diet, which I highly doubt.
Nevertheless, seeing as how #87’s biggest talent outside of football is his ability to self-promote his Gronkness to the masses, it seems that he’d likely be able to find the most success with a career in entertainment. You can see his desire to do as much in his appearances on shamelessly mind-numbing shows like Lip Sync Battle. If there’s anything Gronk loves more than scoring touchdowns, it’s being himself in front of as many people as possible. So, when I saw that he would be headlining a comedy special set to air on Showtime this Friday called “Unsportsmanlike Comedy,” I was zero percent shocked. And also 100% disgusted.
Before I go any further, just check out the promo video for the special and judge for yourself.
Now, in case I didn’t make myself clear earlier, I will not be tuning in to Gronk’s stand-up debut. It’s not because I don’t have a Showtime account and am too much of a cheapskate to pay for such a premium network (that is one of the reasons). And it’s also not because I have no interest in seeing a bunch of D-list comedians make Deflategate jokes until their dicks fall off (that is also one of the reasons).
Don’t get me wrong, I think Gronk is one of the most entertaining personalities in the NFL. His love affair with the number 69 and his deeply-ingrained need to spike anything and everything into oblivion truly never gets old. But the main reason I want nothing to do with a Gronk comedy special is because it will lead to the complete culmination of a self-aware Gronk. And a self-aware Gronk is a Gronk that ceases to be a Gronk at all. You may as well just start calling him Robert.
Think about every stand-up act you’ve seen. Comedy is all about being honest with yourself and your choices. Just look at the video. Right off the bat, Gronk makes a joke about his predilection for never wearing shirts as if he’s now somehow in on the joke. This is not good! This is not the Gronk America needs! America needs a Gronk that lives in his own little Gronk bubble, isolated from the opinions and observations of others, where he can make 69 joke after 69 joke until he’s the only one laughing.
So, in order to preserve the integrity of all that is Gronk, I will not be tuning into “Unsportsmanlike Comedy” this Friday and I urge you to join me in abstaining. But if anyone out there has a Showtime login that they wouldn’t mind hooking me up with, I would greatly appreciate it. There’s this show called The L Word that I’ve heard good things about..
Image via YouTube/Showtime