Columns

The Time I Went Dick And Balls Out At The Bar

bar scene whip it out

Having a late birthday really wasn’t doing me any favors, so I decided to take matters into my own hands. This was the last bar night of my first semester as a junior, a special time where you test the limits of your tolerance and break out of your drinking comfort zone only to enter a place that’s very, very dark.

I didn’t have a fake ID, so my plan was to play it cool and hopefully just get let in. You know, like a moron. I look older than a twenty-year-old, so I figured it was going to be a breeze getting past the bouncers.

Upon arrival, I realized that wasn’t the case. People were getting denied left and right. I saw kids I knew getting bounced, talking to police… the whole nine. With doubt growing in my head, I knew I couldn’t abandon my plan to get in; it was the only one I had. Luckily, my friend Rob and roommate Ryan were with me.

Ryan was pulling the same move as I: just hoping the bouncers would let us in because it was the last bar night of the semester. Rob was a senior and knew he was getting into the bar. Fortunately for us underagers, Rob is the type of kid that can sneak his way into any building, concert, bus ride, Uber, you name it. It is literally artwork watching him finesse his way through life. We were just about to meet the bouncers when Rob told us to follow him.

We snuck around the side of the bar where there were no lights; just three windows about ten feet from the ground. Beneath one of the windows was a giant air condenser. Rob pointed towards the condenser and said, “Just get on top of the condenser, grab the window frame, lift the window, and jump through.” Simple enough, but at this point the bar was filling up and crowds of people were almost certainly blocking the windows. Said windows were also placed right in front of the second-floor bar — meaning chances of getting spotted were high — and my balance wasn’t the greatest at that particular point in time either for obvious reasons. We decided to go for it anyway.

Ryan went first and swan-dived so smoothly into the bar you would’ve thought it was his preferred method of getting in. The only problem was that he hit the floor really hard and now a crowd of people circled around him, staring at him awkwardly. He turned around to hold the window open for me… and I got stuck in the frame. Half of my body dangled out of the window while the other half tried desperately to crawl into the bar. I finally wound up getting my entire body into the bar before brushing myself off and making a run for the upstairs third-floor bar to avoid any bouncer that may have caught a glimpse of me sneaking in.

I could feel everyone’s eyes staring at me as I made my way up the stairs, but I didn’t care; I was finally in. Luckily, the upstairs bar wasn’t filled with people yet, so I ordered a few shots to really put some lead in my pencil. I leaned against the bar finishing my tequila-ginger when my friend Melissa ran up to me. This night was getting better by the second.

She ran up to me and immediately pressed her body right up against my man parts. I was shocked but didn’t want to ruin the moment, so I drunkenly said, “Hello to you, too,” like an old man chatting up a cart girl. She quietly said, “Your dick is…,” to which I quickly replied, “Easy, Melissa; we just got here. Let’s drink a little before we head back to my house.” She snapped back with a, “No, asshole; your dick is out, and so are your balls. You better cover up before the bartenders call security.” I laughed at how crazy she sounded, but quickly looked down to see Joe Flaccid and the Harbaugh Bros front and center.

I quickly covered my boys and tried searching for answers.

I must’ve ripped my pants when I pulled myself through the window! God, I am an idiot. That’s probably why everyone was staring at me. Hopefully I was fluffed up enough to impress the crowd…

I ended up leaving to change pants because I couldn’t just rock cock all night in a crowded bar (that’s not only creepy, but definitely illegal). By the time it took me to get home and then make my way back to the bar, though, they had bouncers watching the windows and even more cops outside. I knew I couldn’t get in, so I accepted defeat and waited for my friends to come home so I could tell them what happened. Some would say my bar night was short, but I’d say it was slightly above average.

Image via Shutterstock

Email this to a friend

8 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More