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Relationships can be super confusing, like that movie Prometheus (but luckily, they’re rarely as awful as Prometheus, but that’s a different conversation. Fuck you, Ridley Scott). Every relationship has speed bumps.
Some of these obstacles are small: “She won’t go this Kanye concert with me.” “She won’t do anal.”
And some of these obstacles are huge: “She just crashed my car.” “She won’t do anal.”
But one of the biggest possible obstacles in any relationship is infidelity. There’s NOTHING worse than being cheated on. It sucks. You feel rejected and betrayed. And it leaves you with so many questions.
“Why did she do this to me?”
“Did I do something to deserve this?”
“Why did it have to be with my father?”
But, in the distant past, I went through a unique, unpredicted flavor of this experience that I’d never thought I’d go through.
My now ex-girlfriend cheated on me with a girl.
Before we get into the story, let’s juggle some of the feelings associated with this. Obviously, it’s conflicting. On one hand, girl-on-girl action is ridiculously hot. To be completely honest, when I go on porn sites, my go-to category is “Lesbian” (along with “Ebony” and “Steph Curry Highlights”). Pretty much every guy likes watching two hot girls make out. It’s an American pastime.
By this logic, having your girlfriend cheat on you isn’t THAT bad, right? Every guy would love to see his girlfriend fuck a chick. Joe Rogan once said on one of his comedy albums, “No girl wants a secretly gay boyfriend, but every guy wants a secretly gay girlfriend.” I somewhat agree. Plus, I’m scared to ever disagree with Joe Rogan since he could beat the shit out of me.
Because of all of this, the hypothetical scenario of a girlfriend fucking a female never bothered me. But once I experienced it, I wasn’t quite happy.
She had mentioned she was bisexual early on in our relationship. Naively, I thought she was lying. I nodded my head, but on the inside I assumed she was faking it, because let’s be honest, that’s pretty common. It’s 2016. EVERY girl in her late teens/early 20s claims to be bi. It makes them edgy, sexy, and unique. But once they’re faced with an opportunity to have a pussy for dinner they chicken out and become straight as an arrow.
Fast forward to about a year and half into the relationship. One day, her and I are headed to a movie. A few hours before the movie, I decide to stop by her house. I don’t text or call, I decide to surprise her (a cardinal sin.)
I walk in through the front door. It’s unlocked (because suburbs). I go upstairs and walk into her room, my jaw drops to the floor.
I see my girlfriend with her face buried in some girl’s pussy and she’s eating it like the last supper. They’re both butt naked, her partners legs are spread eagle and she’s moaning like a pornstar. I distinctly hear that weird box licking noise that sounds like mac-n-cheese being stirred.
(Feel free to keep reading that paragraph until you finish).
The girls she’s munching on finally opens her eyes and sees me. She gasps like she’s watching a gory horror flick. My girlfriend looks back, sees me and screams. I stand there furious, patiently waiting for some sort of explanation. They both try to talk but they’re just neurotically stammering like Woody Allen. They’re tripping on their words, stammering things like “let me explain” as though they’re in some weird XXX corny ’80s sitcom.
I finally regain the ability to form words and urgently scream, “WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!” My girlfriend stands up, emotionally and physically naked, somehow trying to defend herself. She says it’s the first time, and that it’ll never happen again. I yell at her, call her a cunt, dump her, and storm out.
The girl was our friend Jessica. I never saw any of these shenanigans coming. Here comes the hard part, I have to explain to my guy friends why we broke up. Predictably, there was no sympathy to be found.
“Hey Wally, what happened with you and [name retracted]?”
“She cheated on me.”
“WHAT?! WITH WHO?”
There was a long pause. Then one of my friends said:
“…did she videotape it?”
Now look, I can already feel your hatred. You’re probably furiously typing away at that comment box right now:
“You deserved it, loser.”
“You suck, Wally.”
“You’re a pussy, the fact that she cheated on you with a girl is fuckin awesome.”
“You should have fucked them both, idiot. I have too much free time and I wasn’t hugged enough as a child.”
Well bring it on, fuckers. I’m looking forward to it. I understand the idea of a girl cheating with another girl is a polarizing issue. I used to think it was hot as fuck until that shit happened to me. C’est la vie.
About a month after all that drama went down, my ex-girlfriend texted me. She apologized profusely. She told me she loved me and begged to take me back, promising it’ll never happen again.
I replied with 8 simple words:
“You should have fucking asked me to join.”.