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I’ll admit it. The three-and-a-half minutes I spend going to town on myself is the only exercise I get most days — and I know a lot of people are the same way. Realizing this, the innovative folks over at Pornhub just unveiled a new way to burn through the pounds while burning through the tissues.
Introducing “BangFit: The Fitness Method Gyms Don’t Want You To Know About.”
Pornhub claims that BangFit will get you “fit as fuck.” The site adds, “It combines the cardio of zumba, the intensity of crossfit, and the flexibility of yoga (mixed with your favorite sport).”
Weird tutorial video:
I decided to take a whack at BangFit. You know, for journalism.
The first thing you do is select how many “players” will be participating in the workout sesh: one, two, or three. I was kind of triggered when I noticed that only male and female avatars were available, but thankfully, Pornhub included this disclaimer:
I guess I’ll hold off on establishing a safe space… for now.
I realize most people will be going about their BangFit workout solo, so, for the sake of realism — and to avoid a third strike with our HR department — I refrained from asking any coworkers to join in and selected “one player.” I then locked myself in the executive conference room and got to work.
Before the session begins, players are instructed to strap their phones around their waists (it doesn’t specify what solo players are supposed to do, so I just strapped it around my wrist with a couple rubber bands). Then, the site asks you to select your gender, go to BANGFIT.MOBI on your phone, and type in a code. This code syncs the phone to what’s happening on the desktop, so when you shake your phone once, it registers as one movement on the desktop. It essentially turns your phone into one of those step-counting devices they passed out to fat kids in elementary school. Once I was properly strapped, synced, and lubed, it was time to get into the action.
The video starts out with some groovy ’80s workout synth music and a familiar scene: a jacked dude in a bandana (presumably an instructor) walking between neat rows of busty chicks in leotards doing stretches. The instructor carefully eyes each of their heaving, round silicon parts like he’s comparing cantaloupes at the supermarket, then stops at a Latina-looking chick. He’s made his selection.
Quick-cut to pound town — no foreplay involved in BangFit. A stream of cartoon faces scroll horizontally along the top of the screen, prompting you to shake your phone right when they cross an arrow in the middle. If you’ve got your phone around your waist, this would be achieved by thrusting. But if you’ve got it around your wrist, you gotta beat yo’ meat to the beat. It’s Guitar Hero meets boobies meets FitBit meets shame.
A major complaint. The rhythmic “notes” don’t follow the action onscreen. Instead, it stays at a steady, medium pace for most of the video. Maybe Pornhub is trying to teach us that girls don’t like us going full speed for 30 seconds before spiddling on her back? Don’t care. Pulled me out of the moment.
Nevertheless, I still recommend you visit BangFit. Not for the fitness thing, but because it’s a free, top-quality, nearly-full-length Brazzers video. The weird music and cartoon faces don’t detract you from the experience that much, and you usually gotta pay top dollar for top shelf porn like that.
At the end, BangFit calculates how well you stayed on the beat in the form of points earned, as well as how many calories you burned. I don’t like to brag but…
Boom. That’s right. Ya boy, Alexander James Buscemi, is the 8th best rhythmic masturbator in the world. Suck it, haters..