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I Pulled Off The Impossible, Then I Flew Too Close To The Sun

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Finally. FINALLYYYY. It was a feat that my friends assured me was impossible. Day after day, year after year, they laughed in my face, but I have proven victorious. I have reached the proverbial mountain top. The baddest baddie I know…the one that I have been chasing since I set foot on this godforsaken campus, the one who has left me friendzoned, abused, teased, tricked, cucked, and misled.

Finally, I have wooed her. Together, hand-in-hand, we took the fabled trip to magic city. It is with great pride that I now stand in the end zone a champion, to be forever immortalized as the guy who landed his dream girl.

But now that I have achieved the impossible, what’s next? It took years of preparation, energy, and focus just to get here once. Is it easier to do a second time? Do I have the game figured out? Do I have the blueprint? This must be how Belichick feels.

Is it even a possibility again? Was it a case of the drinks flowing just the right way? Or was it something more? Does she even like me? Maybe it was a pity fuck. Do I care if it was a pity fuck? I’m not sure that I care.

Will anyone even believe me when I tell them what happened? Should I tell them? Maybe if I keep quiet, she’ll think that’s cool. Would she be embarrassed if others found out? She should be, but what if she’s not?

I didn’t take nearly enough time to appreciate the moment. I still don’t believe that it even happened. Did it happen? Am I going crazy? Why is this making me so crazy?

It all happened so fast. Will she tell people that it happened fast? Fuck. She definitely will tell people. Now her whole sorority house knows that I’m fast. But can you blame me? The girl is a dime. Frankly, she should take it as a compliment. Will she take it as a compliment? Show me the guy that can take things slow around that girl. I’m not sure it’s possible.

In hindsight, was it even worth it? I mean it was awesome, but this whole overthinking process that has ensued is exhausting. How can I have sex with the hottest girl ever only to come out of it less confident? It makes no sense, and now I’m second guessing everything. How does she feel? She’s probably fine. What if she’s not fine? What if this is some poetic, happily ever after shit? Am I a loser for thinking that it could be? This is really exhausting.

I should shoot her a text. What do I say? Do I say anything? Is staying silent the cool guy move or douchey? Just be myself, right? Here goes nothing…

Hey… great night. do it again soon?

Fuckkkkk. Do it again soon? No person with a brain would ever say that. That’s purely idiotic. I blew it! Do I just block her number now? I cannot physically handle the embarrassment that is surely to follow. At the same time, though, I’m going to see her again. Is it more awkward to ignore it or should I face this thing head on? Let’s keep her number for now. I’ll just say I was drunk…at 9:00 a.m. on a weekday? Fuck, now I sound like an alcoholic.

Oh shit, she just responded! I’m afraid to look. Fuck it, let’s do this.

It was fun. I’ve wanted to do that for a while tbh.

WHATTTTTT. I can’t contain myself. This girl just said that she has wanted to do the dirty for quite some time now. 30 seconds of heaven, and it was fun? Am I the greatest cocksmith of all time? It certainly feels that way.

But what do I say now? Is there anything to say? This is way more pressure than before. Just be yourself. That worked the first time, right? Just whatever you do, do not panic. No need to deviate from the plan here.

Fuck yeah you have. You’ve wanted this dick forsure lol.

That did not come out right. Too aggressive. Much too aggressive. I cannot believe I just did that. Did I blackout? I may have blacked out for the second there because that was outrageous. Let’s not panic yet. There’s probably a less than one percent chance that she is into it, but I’ve also been lucky today so we’ll see how this goes. It’s not over yet.

She’s responding again! Holy shit, this is bad. Maybe good? But probably bad.

Ugh. K. Bye.

Damn. We were doing so well. Why did I do that? We had a future, and now it’s all gone. Is it really just over like that? This is disappointing. I am beyond rattled. I guess the only thing to do is move on. Right swipe game activated. No woman is going to keep me down.

Take this advice from me: Don’t fly too close to the sun. Chasing your dreams is fun and all, but watching them slip through your stupid horny grasp will mess you up. 

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Dent is a washed up former athlete who swears he's totally over his ex-girlfriend. One of these days he'll get around to applying to a real job, but until then he'll keep pumping out lackluster articles while downing copious amounts of Natty Light.

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