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I Only Want To Have Kids So I Can Terrorize Their Social Lives And Make Dad Jokes

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Where would we be without dad jokes? I think it’s safe to say that society would completely crumble to the ground. Are you even really a dad if you never make any dad jokes? In my humble and unquestionable opinion, absolutely not. I don’t care how many women you spilled your seed into and how many crib hobbits jogged out of your wife’s snatch throughout the years. If you don’t make any cringeworthy, corny puns to embarrass your children, then you are NOT a real father.

For those of you who are lucky enough to not know what a dad joke is, you technically don’t have an old man. Dad jokes are by far the most important part of raising children. Forget teaching your kid to read, or playing catch with your son. Every other aspect in fatherhood is secondary and just plain trivial. Dad jokes are all you need. Have you gotten a woman pregnant lately? Well, if it’s too late to pack your bags and start a new life in Nicaragua, you may as well embrace your future and IMMEDIATELY start googling cheesy knock-knock jokes.

My dad used to make dad jokes all the damn time. They were horrific. They were devoid of any humor, intelligence or originality. A prime example is anytime we were in the car and we’d drive past a cemetery, my dad would excitedly exclaim “I heard people are dying to get in there.” YIKES.

It was extremely traumatic for me and my siblings but that was the point. The unimaginable, terrifying trauma from his atrocious humor made us stronger human beings. That’s the entire purpose of dad jokes. When you constantly attack your sons and daughters with terrible jokes, all that unbearable pain eventually makes them numb. You’re making their lives way harder. Which is good, because life IS hard. You’re preparing their naive, optimistic asses for the dark, hellish pit of fire that is the real world.

So when you have kids, metaphorically punch them with awful jokes that you didn’t even come up with. Walk in on little Johnny and his friends playing PS4 and say “What is ET short for? Because he’s got little legs,” and watch them cry in terror. Tell them “I hate elevators and I started taking steps to avoid them” and watch the innocence flee from their souls.

I only wanna become a dad for the dad jokes. When you have kids, make as many dad jokes as possible. It’s the only way to be a good parent.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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