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I Just Met You, and This is Crazy, But I Hacked Your Phone and Stole Naked Pictures

There are real, confirmed naked pictures of Carly Rae Jepsen that have yet to be released, but they’re out there… excuse me.

(*20 Minutes Later*)

Sorry, I had to run home real quick and change my pants, the front of which I just blew a shotgun-esque load through. Now where was I? Right, there are naked pictures of Carly Rae Jepsen that may soon surface…

(*Another 20 Minutes Later*)

I just ruined my keyboard and had to get another one. Not from jizzing on it. My load, which looked like it came from a chaste woolly mammoth, actually shot all the way up to the ceiling and the subsequent dripping ruined the keyboard. I told the intern to clean it up but he started crying and ran off.

So, anyway, now that I’m confident that I have no more seed to spill all over the TFM offices, there are naked pictures of Carly Rae Jepsen and alkshgioerpsaiorbnpsgqoieraghjipeoah…

OH GOD MY DICK IS DRY HEAVING! IT HURTS SO BAD! MY LEFT TESTICLE JUST IMPLODED! LEFTYYY! NOOOOOO!!!! JUST READ THIS FOX NEWS STORY ABOUT HOW THERE ARE NAKED PICTURES OF CARLY RAE JEPSENNAHAHAAAHAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

***UPDATE***

I know Dorn already covered this, but I’m not NOT writing about Carly Rae Jepsen’s naked pict…

(*too much blood rushes to penis, passes out*)

[h/t to reader frat in a can]

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