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I Informed The World That Eating Vag Causes Cancer And Black Twitter Lost It, Fam

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A couple days ago, I stumbled upon a study confirming that human papillomavirus, once thought by many to cause cancer exclusively in women, could also cause throat cancer in men. The most common way for a man to contract the disease? By munching her box.

Now, I guess the honest-to-journalism headline would have been something like “Study Finds That HPV Causes Throat Cancer In Men.” But that just doesn’t have the same ring to it as “SCIENCE SAYS EATING VAG CAUSES CANCER.” A lot of people accused me of clickbaiting, but I don’t regret the choice in wording one bit. Why? Because…

A) Munching box leads to HPV, which leads to cancer. Some might call leaving out the middle part of the equation “alarmist” or “FOX News-ish.” I prefer to call it “utilizing the transitive property.” It’s basically applied mathematics. Read a fucking book, you scrubs.

B) My genius wordsmithing abilities launched the story into a part of the internet that TFM content doesn’t usually reach — and the results were beautiful.

When Black Twitter caught a whiff of the news, they popped the fuck off, fam. Story blew up in a big way.

Hundreds of people, like myself, vowed to eat furburger until the day their emaciated, cancer-stricken bodies breathe their final, gargling breaths of life.

Others were simultaneously amused by my foreign lingo and baffled by my unflinching honesty.

Some were crushed by the news:

Some sought an oral alternative:

These girls got in an all-out Twitter war. Just go to each other’s track meets. Sheesh.

Others were skeptical:

Some just didn’t know how to feel…

This lady was turned on:

Anime Twitter in the house:

Oh, internet. You never cease to surprise me.

Image via YouTube

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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