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I Hate Your Stupid Painted Cooler

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I Hate Your Stupid Painted Cooler

The painted cooler is a time-honored tradition in the fraternity world. I remember when I received my first one. Sure, it wasn’t the cooler equivalent of the Mona Lisa, or even a police sketch, but I was thrilled to have one. Receiving a cooler painted by a babe is a badge of honor for young men all across America. Here’s the thing, though. I hate ‘em. I hate them so much that it got to the point where I would go out of my way to express my displeasure when I’d get yet another Yeti with my letters painted on the side and some other half-assed image or slogan.

This is a real question I have for all of you: what do you do with that cooler when you get it? Does it actually get put to use on the beach, the lake, or on the intramural field? No one at my university would be out with their painted cooler. Instead, they’d be loading their perfectly normal, untouched, coolers with cases of beer and bags of ice. It was very uncommon to see someone using the formal cooler they received.

Out of the four coolers that I received from various events, I left one at my pledge brother’s apartment, one in my dorm when I moved out, one got trashed, and the last was left at my girl’s house much to her dismay. None of them ever were an improvement to the current cooler I had.

The only good quality of the painted cooler is that they come full of goodies. You know what else can come filled with goodies? A grocery bag, an old cardboard box, fucking anything, really. Ladies, start thinking outside the box when it comes to the formal gift. Let’s move to a golf bag of formal goodies or some shit. Load that baby up with some ProV1s, enough alcohol to cure my nasty hook, and some subtle hints that let me know we’re doing anal.

The main reason that I hate these things, though? No, not because I find zero use for them. It’s the fact that, when it comes down to it, I’d venture to say that about 10% of the sorority girls out there actually have some artistic abilities. The others try and try to paint the perfect cooler design, but only end up putting out something that a 1st grader could finger paint, thus ruining a perfectly good cooler because now I have to look at what’s supposed to be the “Come And Take It Flag” but instead looks like a big, black dick and not a cannon.

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The Therapist

Not a licensed therapist, but that doesn't stop me anyway.

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