The new Wonder Woman film just came out and it’s apparently phenomenal. It’s currently got a 94% on Rotten Tomatoes and people are hailing it as one of the best superhero movies of all time. I’m sure it’s awesome; it looks pretty cool and entertaining. But whenever I see a commercial, an online ad, or a billboard for it, I feel an overwhelming sense of “I don’t give a fuck anymore” wash over me like a gigantic tsunami of jadedness. I don’t care if it’s the greatest film of all time and makes The Godfather look like Deuce Bigalow 2: European Gigolo; I’m just too tired of superhero movies to care.
Years ago, I loved superhero movies. I got excited like a giddy, dorky Girl Scout whenever the new big one hit theaters. 9 years ago, The Dark Knight was released and is still the greatest superhero movie of all time. It was smart, gritty, and taught us that the Joker can only be defeated by Jared Leto. Then in 2012, when The Avengers came out and was unbelievably amazing, every nerd on the planet simultaneously jizzed their JNCOs at the midnight premiere. It was all good.
But it’s almost like Hollywood wanted me to start hating superhero movies. It’s like Hollywood is my dad, and superhero movies are cigarettes. To get me to quit, he’s making me smoke the whole carton of Spider-Mans in one setting. And it’s gross.
There are just too damn many. Over the years, Hollywood has bludgeoned us with so many movies about Avengers that it makes me wanna hang myself with Superman’s cape. Also, if you’re about to comment “but Superman isn’t even in The Avengers, dumbass,” I, like you, am sorry you don’t know what vaginas feel like.
This year, we’re getting another new Spider-Man reboot even though the last one was 30 seconds ago and the one before that was just 60 seconds ago. The corpse of Toby McGuire’s career isn’t even cold yet and now we’re gonna kick it a second time? Kirsten Dunst as Mary Jane in the original movie gave me my first boner. Have some respect for the classics.
To make matters worse, every superhero movie now just exists to set up sequels and spinoffs. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice went out of its way to set up a solo Batman movie, the Wonder Woman movie, the Aquaman movie AND the The Flash movie. They’re all appearing together in the upcoming movie Justice League, which I assume will spend 57 minutes setting up 249 other movies that’ll all make a billion dollars.
In 2015, the second Avengers movie had so many Avengers that it just became incredibly confusing (Iron Man, Captain America, The Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye, Quicksilver, War Machine, Scarlet Witch, Vision, Falcon, Spongebob Squarepants, Beyoncé, George W. Bush, Casey Anthony… the list never stops). We gotta slow down.
And it’s not even close to over. Coming out soon, there’s also a new Thor movie, a third and fourth Avengers movie, Deadpool 2, a new X-Men movie, Man Of Steel 2, another Green Lantern, a sequel to the yet-to-be-released Spider-Man reboot, and holy crap I’m exhausted just typing this. Hollywood, please: slow down. We feel smothered. We can’t breathe, and there’s no end in sight. We need Jesus.
I need a break from this nonstop onslaught of superhero movies that’s been happening these past few years. I’m so sick of them. I don’t want to look at another damn movie about someone in a cape again for a while.
Except for Captain Underpants. I’mma watch the shit out of that..
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