Somewhat recently, I was on extended visit to my hometown. I spent most of this time hanging with old buddies, bar hopping downtown, and taking more shots to the head than JFK at a motorcade. But I also developed an unexpected fling with a girl. We “casually dated,” we “were talking,” whatever tf you wanna call it in this era where we have to walk on eggshells when describing our dating lives.
And it was a cool experience. She was smart, friendly, hilarious, and fun. She DID once say that Django Unchained was overrated, but no human being is perfect. But obviously it couldn’t grow into something serious/ official/ exclusive due to long distance. I’d rather be tied down with dental floss and burned with lit cigarettes while listening to Lil Wayne’s rock album than be in a long distance relationship.
Here’s the issue, though. I met this girl because she was my best friend’s sister.
Allow me back up for a moment. One of my best buds is this girl named Heather (using fake names to protect the innocent). We’ve been tight for years. We get hammered together, we do stand-up together, we drive around blasting A Milli on the aux cord together (TWO Lil Wayne references in one article? Amazing).
This girl was Heather’s older sister. She was only a year older (their poor mother, she only went like three months without being pregnant again. Sad!). Now maybe this sounds fucked up, having a thing with your best pal’s sister, but Heather was cool with it. At first. After a while I think she regretted giving her blessing, for one simple reason.
Let me just say this: I highly recommend that every man fuck his best friend’s sister. Why? Because it’s the best possible card to pull if you’re ever in an argument.
I don’t care what you’re arguing about; “I fucked your sister” brings the house down. There’s no coming back from that. It’s Tyson’s right hook. It’s Steph Curry raining down threes. It’s unstoppable.
I constantly carry around a flashcard that says “I banged your sister” in my pocket and take it out whenever we have a minor disagreement.
I’ll bring it up even when it’s not relevant. We’ll be talking politics, I’ll propose “I think Bernie should run in 2020” and she’ll cut me off like “no, it should be Keith Ellison or Cory Booker, because Bernie is gonna be way too old in 2020.” And I’ll counter like “that’s a good point…. BUT ….my dick was in your sister.”
And I do standup (my comedy is awful, it’s like a mixture of Dane Cook’s mentally retarded cousin and a young drunken Charles Manson). Heather just started doing standup, and it’s fun to do shows together but it started an ascension to a new dimension for the tension. If she’s in the crowd, I can’t tell a story about a girl without hearing a familiar voice yell, “THAT SHIT BETTER NOT BE ABOUT MY SISTER!”
I can’t even give her advice about her jokes. She’ll come off stage and I’ll say, “Hey, great stuff, but with that new joke about going to the bank, you should change the-” and she’ll be interrupt me like “hey, I don’t need your condescending comedy advice.” I’ll backtrack like “I’m just trying to help. I’ve been doing standup longer than you. Look at all the people I’ve opened up for” and she’ll remark “yeah but who has opened up for you?”
I couldn’t resist.
I said “….your sister.”
At this point, you’re possibly pondering “hey Wally, this article is obviously another literary masterpiece from the king, BUT, the headline says you learned a lesson about friendship, what was this lesson?” Well, there actually is no lesson. I just wanted to put that part in the headline so I would seem like less of a dick.
But lately I am perpetually petrified, because Heather wants to even the score. She’s obsessed with trying to fuck my brother.
Pray for me..