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“Hug Bandit” Terrorizes St. Louis

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My hometown is being ravaged by a sick, sadistic criminal.

St. Louis police, i.e. the police force from a city that twice in the last ten years was voted the country’s most dangerous, are on the hunt for a man known as “The Hug Bandit.” Is this perhaps an ironically innocent nickname for a man who has been committing terrible, hug related crimes? Does this man bear hug his victims to death? Does he give them a quick prison shank when they come in for the hug? Are the people he’s trying to hug children? Does he inappropriately grope his victims? Is he at least hard when he’s doing it? Nah, he just hugs them. He’s just a flaccid penis’ed guy hugging some random women.

So what’s the big deal? He’s trying to spread the love! Apparently a couple women who don’t like being hugged by strangers in a grocery store parking lot (CLEARLY they were on their periods) think that this “Hug Bandit” needs to be stopped. From Time NewsFeed:

The serial hugger tells his target that he’s a friend from the “old neighborhood,” say the women. Then, he announces it’s his birthday and requests a hug as a present. Sometimes the women agree.

The hug bandit’s favorite stalking grounds are outside local Schnucks supermarkets…

The old “hey-I-used-to-know-you-plus-it’s-my-birthday-give-me-a-hug” trick, huh? Well played Hug Bandit. Unfortunately the serial hugger was undone when he ventured over to the east side to solicit hugs.

But his scheme seems to have unraveled after one lady he propositioned in the suburb of Fairview Heights, Ill., wasn’t feeling the love. He asked for a squeeze and she dialed 911.

Well he had to see that coming. I call 911 when someone looks at me weird on that side of the bridge, even in Fairview Heights… I’m so white.

The woman was able to give police a pretty accurate description of the man:

Police say they are now searching for a white male in his 30s or 40s, medium height, 170 pounds, driving a silver Nissan sedan.

Minus the age that describes me almost perfectly. I even drive a silver Nissan Altima. The next time I’m back in St. Louis I’m going to spend all of my free time in Schnucks parking lots, hugging random women, and then speeding away in my car. I’ll be the copycat “Hug Bandit.” That town will never know what hit it… again.

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