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How To Tell If She’s Too Slutty

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Makeout sesh with a fratdaddy wearing a Trojan shirt on his head.

I’ve got a friend. For anonymity’s sake, lets call him “Nick.” Nick loves floozies. And not just in a casual “give her a rib tickle when I’m drunk” sense. No, Nick has an infatuation with women of questionable rapport. He is what I like to call a “village cyclist.” He genuinely feeds off their daddy issues, and is always on the hunt for new cream queens with sexual histories longer than the terms and conditions on the latest iOS update. And it’s not just flings he prowls for — he willingly chooses to date them. Is Nick a psychopath? Probably.

But what about those of us who haven’t blossomed into full blown psychopaths yet? How will we be able to avoid the powerful tractor beams of ransacked tang? Fear not, gentlemen. Every village bicycle has a squeaky wheel. You just have to keep your eyes and ears open for the tell.

If your girl has lost that tailored fit, it should be a clear cut giveaway that you aren’t the only one she’s been banging. I’ve been in this situation before. Your gut tells you, “Fuck, this is a bear trap,” but your dick tells you, “GODSPEEEEEED!!!” So you come up with excuses in your head, like, ”Damn, she must have really gone to town with her vibrator this week.” It’s generally safer to stick with your gut on this one. Renovations have been taking place.

Another great way to spot a strumpet is by the number of times she runs off to hug various dudes while you’re out and about with her. Any number greater than three is risky. Proceed with caution, and wear a hard hat, lest you get hit with all the wood falling on your girl.

Have you ever noticed that the girl you’re banging doesn’t ever really turn down an invitation? The reason for that is that the word “no” left her vocabulary long ago. Whether you’re talking about ripping a gravity bong, slapping the bag at 9 AM, or butt stuff, that “no” has been replaced by phrases like “I’m fucking down” and “Maybe…actually, fuck yeah.” If you’ve been able to get away with Netflix and chill eight times straight, you’re probably not the only one getting away with it.

Speaking of phrases, if she curses more than you, the chances she’s a saint are slim. And I’m not talking occasionally dropping your basic “fuck,” “shit,” “bitch,” “pussy,” “dick.” I’m talking “Fuck my pussy with your shitdick you little bitch.”

One of the subtlest signs of sleaziness has to be having her middle name on Facebook. I’ll be honest, this one took me a little bit to hone in on, and when I first considered it, I was skeptical. But then I took to Facebook to test the theory. It’s like some kind of Navajo WWII code speak used to sneak messages past the watchful and chaste.

But how do you really know that she is obsessed with dangly bits? Well, if she constantly compares anything oblong to a dick, or anything gooey to jizz, you have a great indicator that she is literally thinking about dicks and jizz all the time. And if she’s thinking about dicks and jizz all the time, she’s probably playing with dicks and jizz a fair amount as well.

A significantly less subtle sign is her trying to sneak a finger in your butt. More than one girl has attempted this treachery on me, and each attempt was unwarranted. (Minus, of course, the girls who’ve felt the bewilderment of one of my fingers sneaking in their butt. They had a right to attempt vengeance.)

The easiest sign of all has got to be any kind of mention of a devil’s threesome. Let’s be real here: if she is open to the idea of a Barney Stinson, she’s either:

A. Already made it happen.

B. Planning on making it happen.

Both options put you in a sticky predicament. Best to cut bait and regroup.

At the end of the day, boys, we all love a freak in the sheets every now and then. The key is to make sure she’s not fucking half of your house as well. And if she is, for the love of all that is good and holy, don’t pull a Nick and try to date her.

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Corn-fed, southern-bred swamp donkey. Known to go full retard without warning.

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