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Whether it’s mono, the common cold, bird flu, or something that requires a penicillin shot, getting sick in college is inevitable. Sure, back in high school you could play Modern Warfare 2 and have your mom bring you soup and Gatorade, but now that you’re left to fend for yourself getting sick is a whole new ball game.
Alert The Team
Make sure you send Snapchats, texts, emails, and GroupMe messages to all of your loved ones to let them know you’re patient zero. Your boys will be grateful you told them so they know to stay away, and maybe they’ll even help you out with the classes that you’re missing. Any girls you have alerted will ultimately feel sorry for you, and — therefore — be more inclined to comfort you. Maybe they’ll even send you some nudes to cheer you up. Now onto your professors. Make sure the emails that you send to them make it sound like you’re on your last leg and that the odds of you dying are actually on the table. If they aren’t pricks, they’ll push back due dates and make your life easy. Lastly, your parents will feel awful. Unable to comfort their child, they will feel absolutely useless and might even slip a direct deposit into your account for supplies. I know, I’m evil. Bottom line: Ferris Bueller it up, and someone might start a GoFundMe in your name.
If you’re anything like me, your refrigerator probably contains a ketchup bottle that is a third of the way full, and month old Chinese food that you’re definitely going to take a whiff of after a late night at the local watering hole. Your medicine cabinet is probably loaded with empty prescription drug bottles that don’t say your name on them. So it’s time to gather some supplies.
If you can’t find a pledge, or someone that genuinely feels bad enough for you, you may have to hobble over to the drug store yourself and pick up a few things. Vitamin C Tablets, Dayquil/Nyquil, Ginger Ale, Gatorade, Chicken Noodle Soup, and Sour Patch Kids are the move. Pop a Vitamin C tablet for antioxidants, and chase it down with a cold Glacier Freeze Gatorade for electrolytes. Crush some Dayquil to ease your sickness. Take the right amount so you’re feeling a bit loose. If you can eat it’s time for some soup. Soup isn’t the most delicious meal in the world, but it’ll soothe your throat and make you feel warm and cozy. Wash the soup down with some Ginger Ale if your throat is extra sore. Ginger Ale is the only ginger in the world that is useful. Down some Nyquil before bed to sleep tight, and eat a few Sour Patch Kids just because they’re fucking awesome. You’ll sleep like a baby.
You hunted, you gathered, and now it’s time to hunker down. When you’re sick you don’t want to do anything. Setup camp in your house for an optimal setup. Make sure all your supplies are within reaching distance, your laptop and phone charger are ready to roll, and your Xbox and TV are in viewing distance. Now, it’s time to do whatever the fuck you want. If you’re feeling like Eleven after she fucked up mad Demagorgons, just lie there and try to sleep. If not, fire up some Fortnite and catch a dub, or binge watch The Office.
The outside world knows you’re practically dead, you have the essentials to getting over your sickness, and your about to dominate the Fortnite servers. It’s only a matter of time until you feel better..
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