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If you’ve had the chance to take a break from chugging intensity and railing lines of fratitude, you might have heard that we have a debt crisis on our hands. Now, I could go into the specifics of how the debt ceiling actually works and an ideological explication of spending cuts vs. increased revenues, but there are half-naked girls outside, so I don’t have time for an economics lesson. In light of our impending need to enjoy the fruits of our non-labor, I’ll just jump right in to my three-pronged solution to not only balancing our budget, but also reducing our debt long-term.
1. When you need to trim the fat in a business, you don’t raise your prices or lower your quality, you first sell off the assets that aren’t performing for you. In this situation, that would be Iraq. But, Dick, how can we sell a country that isn’t technically ours? My answer is simple: if you use the word “technically,” one more time, I’m gonna punch you in the balls with my foot. We’ve pumped more money into that sinkhole than a self-conscious cougar on cosmetic surgery. What have we gotten out of it? A bunch of whiny liberals and higher oil prices. It’s time to cut the cord. Who’s in the market for a hot, sandy, semi-worn country these days? Well, I’m sure Iran would perk their ears up a bit, but I’m thinking we shouldn’t be handing over a whole country full of angry Muslims to another country full of angry Muslims that also happens to hate our existence. However, there is a group that is currently looking to relocate that would definitely be in the market: fundamentalist Mormons. I’m not talking about your nice, “no thank you, I don’t drink caffeine” Mormons. I mean the crazy ones that actually have multiple wives and (probably) secret gun caches. Those guys scare the living shit out of me. So what happens when you throw a hardcore, misogynist religious sect into a country full of hardcore, misogynist religious types? Do they get along? Nope. They fight the fuck out of each other. It’s like killing two insanely religious birds with one stone.
2. Let’s monetize the elections process. Thanks to the 24 hour news cycle and the crazy amounts of private money spent on elections, it’s already a circus, so the US government might as well make some money for itself. There are several female candidates out there who, while attractive, are making their parties look bad. So to solve this, we hold one spot per party open for a female candidate. Then, we do a pay-per-view event where all the female candidate hopefuls bikini wrestle each other until there’s only one winner. It’ll make Europe hate us more, enrage feminists, and give everyone the answer to “I wonder what Sarah Palin would look like in a bikini.” You can’t tell me you wouldn’t dish out $50 and have a watch party for that at the fratcastle.
3. Throw a government-sponsored rager on every major holiday. I’m not talking about fireworks and hot dogs here. I’m saying get all of the best elements from music festivals, the adult film awards, and an international arms expo and put it all into an extended weekend full of beer, girls, music and fighter jet flyovers. Companies representing the best of America will all have booths giving out free shit and, to top it all off, one fraternity will be picked each year to organize these festivals based on said fraternity’s experience with throwing parties, controlling unruly GDIs and general badassery. Not only will all of these events be indescribably awesome, but they’ll also give every fraternity in America just one more excuse to take their partying skills to the next level. And can you imagine how much revenue a nationwide USA party with corporate sponsors and a solid admission price would generate? Again, I could crunch the numbers, but that’s not my job. I’m an idea man.
Now, obviously, none of these things are gonna get done with wet-blanket Obama still in office. So here’s what we do. Take these ideas to each Republican presidential candidate, and see how they feel about them. The one who’s the most on board with our plan gets the fraternity vote and the fraternity money (ok, alumni money). That way, we’ll have our voice heard in the next term, and we’ll be able to narrow all our candidates down to one, party-supportive candidate. I’m thinking Ron Paul. That dude looks like he’s railed a few lines off some strippers in his day.