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How To Solve America’s Obesity Problem

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Morbid obesity is an epidemic in the United States. We’re the fattest country in the world and it’s not even close. Don’t believe me? Walk to your local Wal-Mart and stare at all the beasts that pass by. Shoving their carts along like drooling zombies, stacking mountains of Dorito bags and mayonnaise jars while they struggle to move their legs fast enough to keep cartoonishly waddling to the cereal section for 10 boxes of Cookie Crisp to eat in a bowl of Pepsi.

It’s horrific. It’s a disturbing image that will melt your skull and give you lifelong nightmares of flabby cellulite and mustard stains. People are gross.

Childhood obesity is becoming a growing issue, too. Even little kids are fat bastards. They can barely fit into their seats on the school bus because they spend all their free time playing Call of Duty and shoveling Oreos into their mouths while bathing in Mountain Dew.

So how do we get rid of this problem besides telling fat people they are fat? I have a few ideas on how to make progress with solving this gross crisis.

Have An Order Limit At McDonalds

Mickey D’s is murdering us way faster than ISIS or any gaggle of gothic school shooters. We need to put a limit on all this shit. If you order more than a bag of fries, or more than one Big Mac, not only will you be kicked out, you will be arrested.

Make Possession Of Too Much Food A Felony

If you’ve got too many potato chips in your pantry (we can come up with a guide for specific measurements), you will get thrown into a federal prison faster than you can say “my diabetes is acting up.” Too much food in your fridge will get you 25 to life. Have fun getting buttfucked by a giant tattooed biker in a prison shower. Hope those Reese’s Cups were worth it.

Do Not Allow Obese People In Positions Of Power

If you want to get anywhere in life, from now on you can’t be too fluffy or you won’t be allowed to advance in your career. Chris Christie wouldn’t be allowed to be a governor; he’d have to be homeless. Any large person will end up homeless, but they’ll probably lose weight once they’re living off a diet of napkins and used condoms.

Anyone Who Feeds Their Children Too Much Junk Food Will Be Beheaded

If you take your kid to Burger King more than twice a month, you’ll be dragged to the guillotine and get your head chopped off on live television while a live crowd watches and cheers and Beyoncé performs live during it.

Anyone Over 300 Pounds Must Be Executed By Treadmill

This may sound extreme, but it’s the only option. If you get to 300 pounds, you’re a lost cause. You had your chance to slim down but you chose to stay on the couch. If you’re at 299, you better get on a treadmill FAST before the police come and take you to the electric chair.

All these plans are very realistic and reasonable. It’s important to be sympathetic and compassionate. Now let’s make it happen.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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