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Drunk texting an ex: it’s a 21st-century phenomenon that’s been sweeping the nation for years. It’s popularity has skyrocketed as of late thanks to its common appearance in hip-hop culture. It was a massive global event as far back as five years ago when Drake released the drunk dial anthem “Marvins Room” (Side note: why the fuck is it called Marvin’s Room? Who the fuck is Marvin and what is Drake doing in his room?).
I think it’s safe to say that a fair share of us have faced urges to go full Drake on some drunken nights. Maybe you’ve gone through a somewhat recent breakup and your night of intoxicated misadventures is winding down. You’re still hammered as hell, but the fun insanity has washed away and now you’re just simmering down and scrolling through your phone looking for youtube videos of chimpanzees throwing poop at children.
Then, all of the sudden, you really wanna text your ex. Whether it’s out of heartbreak, petty anger, or just for shits and giggles, you wanna message your former main squeeze with a few one-liners before you pass out somewhere.
There are 3 different types of drunk texts to send to an ex.
Number 1: Angry (“fuck u… I hope you’re happy with Carl”)
Number 2: Romantic (“I miss u… I can treat u better than Carl)
Number 3: Sexual (“come over, I wanna fuck u… and Carl)
All three are awful ideas. You and your lady parted ways for a reason, and you don’t wanna dip your toe back into that cold, bitchy pool. And you definitely don’t wanna wake up and feel awkward and ashamed at any weird shit you said last night.
And you definitely, DEFINITELY don’t wanna see her inevitable angry rebuttal text: “go fuck yourself , leave me alone. #YOLO #America #RIPDavidBowie #BatmanVsSupermanDawnOfJustice #Hashtag.”
So, let’s nip this uncomfortable dilemma in the bud so you’re prepared the next time you buy booze with buddies. Here are some tips to prevent yourself from drunk texting an ex in a moment of weakness.
TURN YOUR PHONE OFF
When you feel a little drunk, immediately turn your phone off and put it away. Either give it to your friend, hide it from yourself, or shove it up your ass if need be. If none of this sounds sufficient for your moment of dumb vulnerability, throw it in the Arctic Ocean. It HAS to be the Arctic Ocean, the other oceans just won’t work. If you’re not near that particular body of water, pack up some Red Bulls and Slim Jims, ‘cause it’s time for a road trip, bitches.
PUT IT IN A SAFE AND BURY IT IN THE DESERT
It doesn’t matter which desert, but I don’t recommend the Sahara desert. It’s way too hot in that bitch, you may not survive such intense heat. Also, when you put it in the safe, make sure you don’t forget the combination of the lock. In order to ensure you don’t forget said combination, you need to tattoo it to the bottom of your foot. Go to a tattoo parlor quickly, but also make sure it’s not too cheap and dirty because you don’t wanna get infected by some old AIDS needle. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
TELL YOUR FRIEND TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE IF YOU START TO TEXT YOUR EX
This is one of the most reliable options. Friends should always be there for you in your time of need. If they’re a good friend, they WILL punch you if you start to message that bitch. This works especially well if your friend is Mike Tyson. Pat him on the shoulder and say “hey Champ, hit me if I message her” and he’ll be like “yeth, of courth” and he’ll knock your ass out cold. He’s still got it, so hopefully he’ll knock you unconscious so you can get a good night’s sleep.
SELL YOUR PHONE FOR MONEY TO BUY CRACK
This one pretty much always works. It’s pretty goddamn easy to sell a phone. Walk through the street and pitch it like a salesman, and if that doesn’t work, use eBay. Once someone buys it, use that cash to buy some crack. Once you smoke the crack, it’ll completely distract you from your ex. You won’t think about her. You won’t think about anything other than “where can I get some more crack.” It’s pretty much the perfect plan.
BUILD A TIME MACHINE, GO BACK IN TIME, AND TELL YOURSELF NOT TO DATE HER
This one is super easy. It’s surprisingly simple to make a time machine. Just google “how to make a time machine.” The only materials you need are some cardboard boxes, duct tape, an alarm clock, and the blood of a wizard. You can buy most of this at Target, and it’s pretty easy to go find and murder a wizard and collect his blood. Once you finish building the time machine, go back to the day before you met your ex. Then, walk up to yourself and punch yourself in the face (or bring your friend Mike Tyson and have him do the punching again). Warn yourself to not date this new girl you’re about to meet. It’s easy. It’s just like that movie Back To The Future, but with less hoverboards and incest.
So there you have it, fellas. You shall never drunk text someone you’ve formerly been inside of ever again. Now go blast some Drake and hang out in Marvin’s room..