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How to Not Completely Screw Yourself When Talking to the Cops

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If you party hard in college then you’re going to have to deal with cops at some point. They’re like STDs in that if you’re fucking around you’re going to have to deal with them sooner or later…especially if you’re a minority. If you’re careful and you protect yourself you can minimize the risk, but if you’re brash and reckless (so pretty much all of you) you will eventually get fucked.

Let me start off by saying that I am not an attorney and I am in no way qualified to give legal advice. If you knew a thing or two, you’d know that actual lawyers can’t even give legal advice to you unless you’re a client. My advice is free, so fuck you.

What I lack in any sort of “legal” qualifications, I make up for in real world experience. I was a criminology major for three years until I realized I didn’t want to work for the Man, i.e. I didn’t want to be poor. I’ve also been arrested more times than I can remember, for almost every stupid crime that you can imagine.

The first thing that you need to understand about civilian interactions with police is that they have guns. At any time, if you’re being an asshole, they can shoot you in the face and plant a knife on you. It’s not a likely scenario, but it’s still possible… which brings me to point number one.

1. Don’t Be an Asshole

Being a cop sucks. I know because I have friends that are cops. It’s a shitty job, but it’s necessary for society to properly function. Most cops are just regular dudes who have bills to pay and families to take care of. They just want to do their job, go home to their family, bust a nut, and go to sleep.

Cops are people, just like you. They aren’t inherently evil and they aren’t SKYNET Terminators. No race of hyper-intelligent machines would make their ultimate warriors that fat and out of shape. Remember that. Treat them with the respect and dignity that they deserve and they will most likely treat you with the same. Always be courteous and never be confrontational. Also, don’t forget to cup the balls.

Don’t argue with police. They know the law. You do not. Don’t bring up the constitution and don’t scream, “I know my rights!” That’s what crackheads scream on Cops before Bob Marley plays them off screen, straight to jail.

If you’re a dick to a cop, he has the authority to completely fuck up your night. Sure, you’ll be released the next day and you won’t be charged with anything, but the point is that cops can arrest you just because they feel like it. Don’t piss cops off. I assume you’d rather be bunking with Susie Slampiece at the end of the night than a crack addict with a bleeding dick and an impossibly terrible sounding cough.

The key to understanding police tactics is to realize that unless they have reasonable suspicion or probable cause, you have to consent to everything they do. They want to fuck you, but they need your consent… otherwise it’s rape. Their authority rests in very clever, heavy-handed wordplay that makes questions seem like commands. If they have reasonable suspicion or probable cause, the game changes entirely. But as long as you’re just minding your own business and not selling meth to kids who couldn’t get Adderall or doing something else that’s obviously illegal, cops have to trick you into giving up your rights. Luckily for them drunk people are confused, confrontational morons who practically wear a sign around their neck that reads, “Please shove your nightstick straight up my ass, officer.” The cops will be more than happy to grease up that bad boy and oblige you. Actually fuck that, THEY’RE GOING IN DRY.

2. Don’t Talk to Cops

Police officers are verbal gymnasts who are trained in the art of mental manipulation. If you’re blindingly drunk or as mentally vacant as most of the people they deal with then cops may as well be Jedi performing mind tricks on you. They are legally allowed to lie to you and they will threaten you with all kinds of bullshit unless you “make it easy on yourself.”

It’s very simple. Don’t talk to cops. That’s the key. Many people think they’d be more suspicious for not talking to cops, but they’re wrong. What’s that old Mark Twain saying? “Shut the fuck up you fucking idiot.” That’s it, right? If the cops had enough evidence to arrest you, you’d be under arrest. If they are only talking to you that means they’re fishing. They are waiting for you to accidentally incriminate yourself or consent to further searches of your person or property.

“Can my trunk be searched? You mean like is it generally capable of being searched? Yeah I guess you could search in that sense WAIT NOOOOOOO!”

If avoiding communication makes you nervous, just say this: “I’m sorry officer, I’d love to help, but I’m in a really big hurry. Am I free to go?” If they ask where you’re going say you’re late to work at the saddest, most pathetic job you can think of (writing for TotalFratMove works pretty well) so that maybe they will decide to stop fucking your life up worse than it already has been.

If you are free to go, get the hell out of there. If you are not free to go, immediately ask to speak to your lawyer and invoke your 5th Amendment right to SHUT THE FUCK UP! If you’re talking to cops, odds are you are going to incriminate yourself sooner or later. Just don’t do it.

3. Just Say No

The 4th Amendment protects you from unlawful search and seizure. However, you can unknowingly give up this right by talking to cops. When it comes to a search of your body, police have the authority to perform a weapons pat down. They can grope you a little, maybe even round second base. However, if they feel anything else in your pockets that is not a weapon, you are not required to reveal it. If they ask you to show them what it is, just say no. It doesn’t matter if it’s your dick or a bag of cocaine… just say no. On another note, keep your cocaine in dick shaped containers.

Police cannot search a vehicle without reasonable suspicion or consent, but they will try to trick you. They will ask if there are any weapons or contraband in the car. When you say “no,” they will say “Then you wouldn’t mind if we took a look in the trunk, would you?” They might even threaten you with arrest. They might say “Look, you can show us what’s in the trunk now, or we can arrest you and take a look in it anyway down at the station.” It’s a bluff. Just say no.

If cops are at your front door, you don’t even have to answer the door. Just ignore them like they’re Mormons not named Romney. If you do open the door, simply say, “Please come back when you have a warrant.” Then shut the door. (Note: usually does not apply to communal living situations such as fraternity and sorority houses. Laws vary, but police traditionally have access to common areas).

It’s not about avoiding suspicion. It’s about invoking your rights (without being an aforementioned crackhead idiot by screaming that you know them). Always clearly state “I do not consent to any warrantless searches of my person or property.” If you give them permission to search and they find something illegal, you’re fucked. But if you explicitly deny consent to a search and they do it anyway, you might go to jail, but you can challenge it later in court and the evidence will be thrown out.

Don’t argue. Don’t resist. If cops want to illegally search you, they can. If they’re feeling like being big enough douche bags to feel under your scrotum without your permission then they’ll LOVE if you resist. Comply with direct orders and challenge it later in court. Do not challenge cops. If you don’t know how to talk to cops just use this golden line:

“Officer, my uncle is a lawyer and he told me to never consent to anything and that I should always invoke my 5th amendment rights. Therefore, I do not consent to any searches and I invoke the right to remain silent. I don’t know much about the law, but he’s really smart and he told me to say that whenever talking to the cops. Am I free to go? If I’m not, I’d like to call my uncle right now.”

You’re welcome…


Follow me on Twitter @RageTheory

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RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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