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How To Make The Most Of Your 4th Of July

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The Beach

Beach cops are a different animal. They are indeed officers of the law but they also work in beach towns where nothing every happens. This crew is eager for action. Think about them as being in the same family as campus police. Outside of asking large groups to disperse and confiscating alcohol, their life is boring. Name any town on the coast and I guarantee you’ll find police officers that resemble the real life Schmidt and Jenko. It’s all riding bicycles and retrieving frisbees for these guys.

So how do you deal with them? Get inside their brain a little bit. Understand that the peak of a beach cop’s season is Fourth of July weekend. This is their Super Bowl. DO NOT fuck with their Super Bowl. Their heightened alert can lead to a drunk idiot like yourself catching 50,000 volts pretty quickly so proceed with caution.

Find the cool cop immediately upon arrival and befriend him. There will inevitably always be one that is chill but be aware there is indeed only one. You’ll recognize him as the guy down to take a celeb shot in a game of pong and post it for the snap. Cherish him. This is the most literal get-out-of-jail-free card you can have. Play it right and your day will be smooth sailing.

The Lake

Fill up your Yeti cooler, cruise the boat out to the center of the lake, and anchor down. The only thing better than slamming some cheap beers with the boys? Slamming cheap beers with the boys on a boat. Lakes are way more lax,
so Stone Cold some beers, smoke some bogies, and backflip off the boat. There’s no quicker way to impress the ladies than nailing that sick mctwist with nearly perfect form. Not to mention, inviting a girl out to your boat is the college version of “I have my license.”

Family Function

Not ideal but it happens. Mom says she misses you and you’re roped into barbecuing with the family instead of chugging beers with your friends. You at least get to save your beer money. Nothing better than smashing your dad’s cache of high end lager. On top of that, the food is always on point: ribs, corn on the cob, apple pie for dessert. Basically you get a meal that would be a whole month’s budget of food and it’s free. Small victories.

Trying to fake having a good time with the family is only exasperated if it is a function with extended family. Getting asked all of the awkward questions about what you are doing with your life without having the proper answers. Keep that type of trash in the already depressing winter holidays.

Just stay off of social media. You’ll see your friends having fun and it will destroy your core. At this point, it’s time to switch from beer to liquor and get tanked. This is a day you’d like to forget.

House Party

Not much to say. You know the drill. A couple kegs, burgers, dogs, and fireworks will always get the job done. Nothing caps off a long day of drinking quite like drunkenly shooting your buddies with roman candles or throwing ground spinners at their feet as the women at the party shake their heads at your childish behavior.

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Dent

Washed Up Former Athlete. Totally over my ex-girlfriend. I hold the distinct honor of being the only player in my school's history to receive a football scholarship without being able to bench 225 lbs.

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