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College football season is right around the corner. For students, this means sacred traditions, fierce rivalries, and ditching the game at half time to go tailgate. That last one never sat quite right with me, and it’s time to do something about it. Let’s add these amendments to the NCAA’s rules and make the game the most important part of gameday.
11. Allow Excessive Celebration
“No taunting.” “No cursing.” “No delayed, excessive, prolonged or choreographed act by which a player (or players) attempts to focus attention upon himself (or themselves).” Fuck that. I’m sick of the NCAA forcing our athletes to treat playing the game like attending Sunday mass. Manziel’s “money sign” was cute. But we need 100 percent more creativity and 200 percent more vulgarity.
The fans want to see elaborate displays of arrogance, like the funky chicken:
Or the duck, duck, goose:
Or the Ickey shuffle:
Or the Michael J. Fox:
Let’s get weird with it. I’m talking jerk-and-throw hand motions directed at the opposing team’s bleachers. The vagina-licking hand sign, too. I want to see a guy run in the end zone, grab a cheerleader, and have her do THIS to his face mask:
10. Helmet Cams
With people strapping a Go-Pro on everything from a handle of alcohol being passed around at a party to a dog fetching a ball, I’m surprised the world of televised football has yet to follow suit. Cameras are so small and durable nowadays, building one into a helmet shouldn’t be an issue. Nothing would put viewers in the game like a first-person POV of each play. Following a quarterback’s eyes as he scans the field for an open receiver or the running back as he looks for a hole in the defense would not only make for the coolest replays ever conceived, but it would give us insight into what makes certain players great. A player’s vision is a key component to success on the field, and the helmet cam would provide unprecedented access to it.
9. Boxing-style face-offs between head coaches
8. Fights like hockey
Right now, players face a steep penalty for fighting in college football. If they fight during the first half, they’re ejected for the rest of the game. If they fight in the second half, it’s sayonara for the rest of the game as well as the first half of the following game. It’s bullshit. Fighting is an integral part of hockey, originating as a way for the team’s “enforcer” – a big dude who kinda knows how to skate but specializes in cracking skulls with his fists – protecting a star player from dirty and potentially injury-inducing hits. If you slashed Gretzky, you best believe Semenko was coming for you. But legal yet dangerous hits happen in college football, too. Just last year, The Citadel’s offensive line injured three Seminoles defensive lineman by going for their knees with legal, childish cut-blocks. The ‘Noles just had to take it. But if they were allowed to throw off their helmets and square up to a dirty player, there probably would have been two more starters still in rotation. Allowing fights would also require football players to check their egos (something they’re not nearly as good at as hockey players), throw blows, then hug it out afterwards. Exhibit A:
7. Cheerleaders wear less, have hotter dance moves
I want to be fully erect after every touchdown.
6. More pyrotechnics
I also want my eyebrows singed off
5. Let Students Storm The Field
Many college stadiums allow students to storm the field, but many do not. I know when I saw my Gamecocks play at Williams-Brice, a row of two-dozen men in stood in front of the student section ready to beat the shit out of anyone who dared to attempt a fast break for the grass, even after a big win. Think of the players on this one. What could be more magical then beating a rival team on your home turf? Sharing the celebration with thousands of fellow classmates surrounding you.
4. Free Student Tickets
Tuition is already ridiculously high, but some colleges still have the audacity to charge students hundreds of dollars to enter the stadium. It’s a disgrace, and it dampens the sentiment of uniting the university under a common goal. Yeah, you can show your support. But you better pay up first.
3. Mascot cage fights with real animals
2. Sell beer in every stadium
The lack of available alcohol is the number one reason for students dipping out early from a game. When the airplane bottles run dry, the buzzes begin to fade away, and people return to their tailgates to refuel. Many college stadiums do not allow re-entry, so by the fourth quarter, the student section can look embarrassingly empty. The best way to curb this effect is to sell alcohol in the stadiums. Stop pretending like you’re preventing us from drinking, universities. We all know what’s going on. A few schools have adopted the policy of selling alcohol at games, like the University of Maryland, SMU, and the University of Texas. Hopefully, the rest of our colleges will follow in their footsteps.
Make it happen, NCAA..
Image via YouTube