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This has got to be the most stressful time of the year for y’all. When the Ugg boots start making appearances on campuses nationwide, it’s a pretty good indication that your penis should start hibernation. It’s cuffing season, and may God have mercy on the poor souls who have new girlfriends, almost girlfriends, or a girl you hooked up with, like, twice that won’t stop calling you. You fucked up, man. You fucked up hard. But before you start planning a dramatic murder-suicide for you and your girlfriend in order to escape yet another year of pumpkin patches and Hocus Pocus, give these tips a try.
First, acknowledge what type of girlfriend you have. Is she generally cool with you spending the night by yourself? Does she get along well with most, if not all, of your buddies (and not because they’ve all already had a turn with her)? Then this isn’t for you. Your girlfriend doesn’t suck. If you think she does, you probably just want to be single. And you do you, homeboy. But there are bigger fish to fry here.
This isn’t for the seasonal clinger, either. You know: the girls who don’t love you but just love having a boyfriend. They’re not in it for your boyish charm or your below average set, they’re in it for the pictures. If your girl can’t go one event without taking a million pics of the two of you, ensuring that everyone and their mother has heard her call you “baaabe,” and then plastering your ~memories~ on social media, then you need to get out now. You’re not her dream boy, your her prop. She’s not going to listen to things like logic and compromise, it’s better to cut your losses now and let her ruin someone else’s hunting /football/visiting home and fucking your high school ex season. This is for the normal girls who are cool, but not cool enough to survive four months straight of “spooky shit.”
Understand What Compromise Means
For you, compromise means doing something you both want to do equally. To her, compromise means doing the things she wants to do equal to the things she doesn’t want to do. In your brain, you might think it’s fair to say “I will go apple picking with you in the afternoon, but then I’m getting blacked out with the boys at night,” but you’d be wrong. You see, your life doesn’t revolve around her. So you don’t automatically fit her into your daily agenda like she does for you. In your head, it makes sense that if she is going to complain during the entire game, maybe she just shouldn’t watch football with you. But for her, she’d rather you both be together for an activity and be miserable, than to each do things you actually enjoy and be happy. Which is why when your compromises consist of “I will do this with you as long as I can do that without you” you’re basically telling her you want her out of your life completely. Instead, try compromising with things you know she will hate. This is called gentle, psychological manipulation. Does she hate running? Guess what, that’s your new favorite date activity. If she wants you to carve pumpkins with her, she better be ready to put in some miles. If nothing else, it’s a good way to ensure she doesn’t gain those sweater weather pounds.
Get Inappropriately Drunk
Even the most excruciating of dates can be salvaged with the right level of alcohol. Cider tasting might not even be that bad, but you know what’s way better? Whiskey tasting. From your flask. That you are making sure she sees you taking swigs from. Hay bale rides might be lame, but getting a DUI for hijacking the towing tractor and going rogue in the pumpkin patch is a story. Get your pledges in on the action, too. Apple picking? More like making the apple orchards into an obstacle course, dressing the pledges up as doctors, and having them dodge your freshly picked ammo. You see, technically you’re doing the things your girl wants, but you’re also turning them into the very same events she’s trying to disassociate you from.
Be Less Attractive
Trust me, nothing is more frustrating than trying to convince your friends that a guy is cute. But being unable to find a single picture that doesn’t make it look like he has a touch of the downs? Shoot for that. Be that guy. Nothing will ruin her fall Instagram aesthetic faster than a consistent lazy eye. Eventually, she’ll come to the realization that using your busted face as a prop is only hurting her like count, and — hopefully — you’ll be off the hook. If not, get creative with it. Try to be fully torqued every time she positions you in front of some leaves. Develop an underbite. Get really fat. The world is your oyster.
Claim Your Allergic To Cinnamon
Is she really going to put you in harm’s way just to prove she is wifed up? Not over your (potentially) dead body. Sorry babe, you can’t stay in on a Friday night and drink fireball hot chocolate, on account of the fact that you will literally die. Go to the pumpkin patch? You mean the place where they sell cinnamon bread? Better not risk it. We all know you respect your body, you treat it like a temple, and therefore you need to take extra precautions to ensure your safety. And the pumpkin pie she’ll inevitably see you wolf down during Thanksgiving? You’ll cross that bridge when you come to it.
Fake An Injury
Pretend to break your leg and be really over the top about it. Spare no expense on this. Get a motorized wheelchair, or at least steal one from Walmart. She really can’t expect you to go out and do things in your condition. You’re a broken, shell of a man, and she needs to cater to your injuries instead of her own selfish love for fall. If you’re really dedicated, this can also get you out of being in whatever couples costume she has planned for you. You are going as Lieutenant Dan, and if she tries to protest, well…she’s a bitch for making you feel bad that your legs don’t work.
Fail Out Of College
When all else fails, being the type of guy she ultimately can’t see herself settling down with is a foolproof way to get her to stop thinking long term. If getting straight Ds is too much to come back from, try confiding in her that you realized that you really don’t want to work for your father’s firm post-grad. No, your new dream is to be a teacher. No, a substitute teacher, making a cool 25 grand a year. On top of that, you’re just really big on modern feminism, so you have decided that your future wife will be the breadwinner, and you’re going to be a stay at home dad. She doesn’t mind living in a trailer right? You’re just really into material things.
Good luck out there, men. See you on the other side..