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How To Get Rid Of Morning Wood

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It’s an aspect of any man’s daily life. It’s a statistical inevitably that you’ve experienced it every day since you were 12. I’m of course referring to morning wood (or mourning wood, if you’re at a funeral).

Every day since puberty, your private detective has woken up before you — he’s an early riser. He got enough sleep, and he’s ready to have a bowl of Cap’n Crunch and go to class.

There’s not necessarily anything wrong with it, but sometimes it is a slight inconvenience. You’re trying to take a morning leak and your buddy is aimed at the ceiling, next thing you know you accidentally paint the ceiling yellow and your Tuesday is already ruined.

And sometimes, on some fateful days, your thing stays stiff for way too long. You’ve been awake for 28 minutes and you’re still hard as a diamond, you’re trying to have a morning cup of joe and your cock keeps on sticking out and bumping into things like some clumsy blind man in a mediocre slapstick comedy flick.

So then what? What do you do? How do you fix the situation? Masturbate? Hell no, you don’t have the time to grab your computer and search “Japanese amputee MILF porn” and whack your bag. Sex? Hell no, your girlfriend is way too tired to get stuffed and fake an orgasm. So this leaves you with basically no options.

So now what? You can’t go to work like this. Think about it. Going to work with a raging hard-on poking through your designer jeans? AGAIN? No sir. Your boss will just be like “John, this is the 3rd time this week, you can’t walk around here with a boner, you’re fired! Never come back to this Chuck E. Cheese again!”

Well, brothers, I’m here to save your life. Need to get rid of a boner immediately before you go to work? Here’s a few helpful suggestions from an educated professional.

Gross yourself out sexually

Morning wood isn’t sexual. You’re not horny, it’s just your body chemistry. But, if you gross yourself out sexually, you can make it impossible for yourself to have a boner. There are so many options. Think of somebody ugly: your fat calculus professor, Rosie O’Donnell, me. If that’s not working, turn on your computer, look at old Facebook pictures of yourself from 7th grade when you were fat and had tons of acne. Go on YouTube, watch a Pauly Shore stand-up special. Anything disgusting enough to kill your hard-on.

Shoot yourself in the foot with a pistol

I don’t know if you’ve ever been shot, but it hurts, overwhelmingly so. Ask anyone who’s been shot. Hell, 50 Cent was shot 9 times. Ask him 9 times, every time he’ll say “it hurt so fucking much! By the way can you help me pay my rent?” Bullets are a bitch, quite painful. So first, grab your gun. If you don’t have a gun, Uber to Walmart and buy one. Trust me, they’re ridiculously, insanely, hilariously easy to buy, but that’s a different conversation. Then, shoot yourself. The pain will distract you so much that your boner will probably disappear.

By the way, if you hate this article? Feel free to comment “YOU should shoot YOURSELF, Wally!” There you go, that was a free one.

Cut your own dick off

Desperate times call for desperate measures. If nothing is working, then God help you, you may have to sever your own Johnson. I’m so sorry. You’re gonna have to go full Caitlyn Jenner and get rid of that damn thing. Grab a knife, a chainsaw, a samurai sword, anything that could help remove your funny business. I’m not gonna lie, it’s probably gonna hurt, possibly even more than that bullet, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. I’m so sorry for your loss. So yes, in conclusion, if I had to sum it up, the point of this article is that I’m telling you to go cut your own dick off.

Those are some safe ways to get rid of your morning wood. Keep this guide in the back of your mind for if ya ever need it.

Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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