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Boys, boys, boys. You all really need some help with your Tinder game. I’m so tired of seeing 900 pictures of you fishing and an array of pictures of you and your entire squad so I can’t even tell which one you are. Pull it together. It’s time to get your act together and clean up your Tinder profile.
First thing’s first, get rid of any and all pictures of you hugging on some other girl. You can have your hand around some girl’s waist, sure, as that’s very gentleman-like, but any pictures on your profile that look like you may or may not have fucked that girl more than once, or dated her, need to go. This should be the #1 rule for Tinder profiles for guys. No other girl wants to see you getting all handsy on another chick before she lets you get all handsy with her. It’s an immediate turn-off and it also makes us think you may still be dating the girl in your pictures. And nobody likes a cheater.
Next, absolutely zero mirror pictures. This should be a given. I don’t care if they’re ironic or not. Get. Rid. Of. Them. Immediately. Especially gym mirror pictures. Nothing makes us want to gag more, and I’m not talking about gagging on your dick. Nothing says “I’m a douchebag” quite like a mirror pic in a Planet Fitness at 11 p.m. with you and your friends flexing your mediocracy through oddly-thin t-shirts that your mom probably bought you from the Gap. I’m shuddering thinking about it now.
Thirdly, be aware of what comes up under your “job” description on your profile. No girl is going to swipe right if she sees “cashier at a gas station” or “self-employed.” If you have a cool job or internship, then, by all means, put it on there. Nothing gets a young high-standard girl going like seeing “intern at Goldman Sachs” or “intern at TFM” (wink). However, if you’re not fortunate enough to have a cool job/internship, take it off your profile and hope she never finds out.
Lastly, and this is an important one, is the Tinder bio. This bio could either make or break you in the world of Tinder-ing. Personally, if I see a guy has a sense of humor in his bio, and he doesn’t look like he’s gonna murder me, I’ll swipe right. Every girl loves a guy with a good sense of humor, and if you can show that right off the bat before I even swipe, that’s a plus in my book. Now, on the downside of Tinder bios, nowhere in your bio should you mention your mother or any of your family members for that matter. This is an app you’re using to get laid (most likely)…..and mentioning your family members is so wrong on so many levels. I don’t care how normal in-breeding is in whatever deep-southern town you come from. Mentioning your mother in your bio is basically an indication to me that you’ve never gotten laid, and while I’ll grieve for you, I won’t be swiping right any time soon.
I hope you’ve learned something reading this, because when it comes down to it, your Tinder profile is really going to determine whether or not you’re getting any action after coming back from the bars at 3 a.m. when you’re swiping through to see what decent-looking girl you can scrape up to have a late-night, half whiskey-dick rumble in the sheets with. Make yourself seem somewhat presentable, don’t come off as a total douchebag, and have pictures that actually show your face and you’ll be getting plenty of matches in no time..
To check out this week’s worst 100% real conversations that took place on Tinder, click here.