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How The TFM Staff Responded To The Tornado Warning And Flash Floods In Austin

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This morning around 8:45 a.m., in the midst of a torrential downpour that was already causing huge traffic delays, a tornado warning was sent out here in Austin. The TFM staff starts work at 9 a.m. (and ends work at 6 p.m. because working 9-to-5 is for pussies and Dolly Parton), meaning we were all in various stages of getting to work when the warning was sent out. Here is where everybody was around that time:

Me, Jared: I got this alert while stuck in traffic:


I then quickly ducked into the local Panera Bread, where I ordered an everything bagel with cream cheese and a croissant to carbo load in anticipation of having to suffer through some sort of prolonged survival scenario. I also ordered an iced mocha that had so much brownish-black sludge at the bottom that it looked like notable TFM chain smoker Boosh’s lungs (though he has cut back big time as of late, and we’re all really proud of him). I am writing this column while sitting in a booth here.

Boosh, Dorn, D-Man, Harrison: Safely at the office, like they’re good employees or something.

Bacon: Probably still sleeping.

deFries: Driving on the highway, almost to the office.

Ross: At home, waiting out the storm like any reasonable person would do.

Steve Holt: At home, like a pussy.

Micah: Turned around and went home after seeing how bad the traffic was (and presumably because he accidentally left his Fleshlight there).

Dan: Stuck at the TFM Writer House, unable to drive to work because of the flooded streets in South Austin.

Here are the abridged and slightly edited contents of the actual TFM group text conversation we had this morning:

D-Man: Tornado warning south Austin area beware writer house. Head on a swivel.

Jared: I’m stuck in traffic and got the alert saying to take shelter so not exactly sure if I listen to it?

D-Man: Wait it out, boys.

Dorn: Coming to the office. I’ll miss y’all.

D-Man: You were in the gym at the office already bro.

Micah: Traffic is a fucking nightmare. I just turned around. Working from home for an hour or two. Can’t wait to feel the sweet embrace of molded latex*

*That last sentence was presumably said by him to himself, not actually sent to group text

Dorn: Yeah I’m here.

D-Man: Saw you tossin them thangs around.

Dorn: It’s pitch black outside. Eerie af.

Jared: Waiting it out in the Panera on Bee Caves. I think the road was blocked off just past it in between here and Jason’s deli and there is a detour.

Micah: Tornado warning at lost creek*

*Where our office is located

Dorn: Tight. RIP Rodge.

D-Man: Lost creek?

Micah: Yep. Warning til 9:15.

Steve Holt: yeah we have one at my house too I’m cuddling up with my dog looking for content downstairs away from windows.

Dan: Fuck this. South Austin is about to float away. All the back roads are flooded. I’m waiting this out and sinking with our house.

Ross: This is weird as shit. Did not think I’d die in a tornado.

Micah: I think the safest place at grandex is the weight room with ole Rog.

D-Man: pussy.

Dorn: Come shower with me.

Jared: Just saw a woman dressed as Batwoman in Panera drenched in rain and scared as shit. NOT EVEN BATWOMAN CAN SAVE US NOW.

deFries: Just took me over an hour to go 2.5 miles on 360.

D-Man: Tornado warning canceled still take your time as it’s wet out there 🏄.

Dan: Still got one.

Ross: If you’re at home still work from home.

Dan: I am. I’ll head over to the office during lunch.

Micah: Lol. See you there.

Jared: Dan can you please move all of my playboys to the waterproof container under my bed? The one with all the used condoms in it?

D-Man: Flooding gonna be a big issue.

Harrison: Dan’s trapped, might float away with the house.. save my clubs.

Ross: Dude I had to turn around after a block. Can’t drive in this shit. Now I’m awkwardly waiting to die with my maid.

Harrison: hopefully you don’t need more lemon pledge.

Dorn: pussy.

Jared: I’m stuck in this Panera with an iced mocha that is essentially all chocolate syrup and the free internet isn’t working yet. Is this what your hell is like, deFries?

Bacon: *Sees tornado warning* *yawns* *

*Bacon (Rob) is from Missouri and is trying to act like tornados ain’t no thang to him.

Ross: Man I’m gonna die with my maid and Jared is gonna die in a Panera Bread. Bout to ask her if she wants to cuddle.

Harrison: When I lived in New Orleans in August of 2005, we called this a light rain.

D-Man: Damn rob you wild. Pics of maid.

deFries: Need pics of the maid.

Micah: I think I’ve seen a porn that starts like the scene at Ross’ house.

Ross: She’s like 40 and obese.

Jared: Be right there.

Ross: Really sweet lady though.

D-Man: Arnold would tap that.

Dorn: Hey look out for Rob!

Micah: Jesus. They just showed flooding in Kyle. God speed dan.

Jared: Don’t remember 4th grade tornado safety too much, but am I supposed to stand in front of a window to get a good view of the cool-ass tornado with all the safety of being indoors?

Ross: You’re supposed to walk out into traffic and scream at the sky, Jared.

Bacon: You want to get to slightly elevated ground. You need to be higher than the tip of the tornado.

Micah: Where’s Boosh and Harry?

deFries: They’re here.

Bacon: I’m in no way afraid of a tornado touching down. I am terrified of one of the several hundred retards on the road right now crashing into my car because they’re terrified of the rain.

D-Man: It’s raining pretty hard tho bro.

Bacon: Hard rain =/= tornado.

D-Man: That’s a great point.

Ross: Oh man. Just saw the fear in this Mexican woman’s eyes. She speaks ZERO English.

Dorn: Comfort her.

deFries: Ask her if she wants to chill and play FIFA.

Ross: I think she thinks I’m trying to smash. And I might be.

Jared: Wonder Woman has just showed up and is sitting with Batwoman (Batwoman is directly behind her so can’t see her in pic).

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Harrison: disappointed in their third friend who is not a super hero.

At this time, Dan sent out the following tweet:

Jared: Overheard at Panera: “I’m not having a good morning. I’m sitting in a Panera waiting out the weather after locking my keys in my car.”

Dorn: Cool story.

D-Man: Tell it again.

Jared: I guess Panera is out of salt bagels because you guys used up all the salt. Haters.

Ross: Ohhhh.

D-Man: Man that’s poor planning on their part if true.

Jared: We need music in our bathrooms. Panera has it and my dump experience has exponentially increased in enjoyment levels.

Dorn: Jared, you’re now on a text limit. You have 3 to use the remainder of the day. Use them wisely.

Dan: Fuck our power went out.

Ross: You’re gonna die, clown!

Dan: I guess I’m going to the office.

(Side note: Dan made it to the office safely despite taking South First Street, the same road that this is currently happening on):

Jared: Sounds good, Dillon.

Steve Holt: Ive been in the parking lot debating whether or not I should call an uber to the front door.

Jared: Wait, that last text didn’t count towards the 3, did it?

Jared: Fuck.

Jokes aside, we hope all those living in Austin and the surrounding areas are staying high and dry out there today.

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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