In an attempt to up our game this semester, our exec board voted that the best way to attract attention to ourselves was to throw a mixer in which live animals were present. Forget Lawyer Bros and Secretary Hoes, or the Fratalina Wine Mixer. Letting a bunch of partially domesticated animals roam around the house during a party was the best idea that we could come up with. Our social chair even had an uncle who, and I quote, “kind of has access to zoo animals,” and offered to use them. None of us asked what he actually meant by that. But we were in for one hell of a night. Let’s break it down.
The animals arrive.
With still two hours to go until the actual party, the animals arrive. In all, we have two monkeys, a parrot, a llama, a cool looking lizard, a fox, and a baby deer. Our social chair emphasized that this was the best he could do when it came to “diversifying the animals,” and when someone commented on the fact that none of them were animals you could pet, he simply replied by saying that we could pet any animal we wanted to if we tried hard enough. Best advice I’ve heard to date.
Notable Happenings Prior to the Party:
- The llama pooped on a pledge.
- Someone taught the parrot to say “Fuck a fat bitch.” He repeated those words for the duration of the party.
- One of our brothers wanted “alone time” with the fox and took it into his room. No one is really sure what happened behind that door.
- A punch was thrown due to the fact that a brother let a monkey drink a beer.
- The llama went running through the house after someone put the lizard on top of its head.
Notable Happenings during the Party
- Even before things really got underway, a brother decided that the “animal to person ratio” was a bit off, so he took matters into his own hands by stealing the neighbor’s cat and parading it above his head around the house.
- Shortly thereafter, a girl, thinking that the lizard was fake, picked it up and ended up throwing it across the room after it moved in her hand. Luckily, the lizard landed on the couch. Later on, the lizard ended up eating weed and proceeded to lick a wall for the rest of the party.
- The monkeys were supplied with copious amount of alcohol. One of them ended up stumbling around with a red solo cup shoved over his head, and instead of taking the cup off, a lot of the guys just thought it would be funny to draw a face on the cup.
- The fox bit the ankles of the majority of the females in attendance.
- The llama had to be locked in the upstairs bathroom and ate part of the shower curtain, which he later threw up. We actually lost the deer, too. She ran out the back door; we never found her nor did we actually chase after her.
To say that the party was a disaster would really be an injustice to how terrible it honestly was. Our social chair blamed the party’s massive failure on the fact that we didn’t get actual petting zoo animals, not the fact that a live animal theme was used in the first place. The brother who stole the cat also adamantly expressed how, even with the cat present, the ratio was still shit. Our risk management chair even resigned from his position due to the fact that “the risk surrounding this fraternity is unbelievable.” We also learned a number of days after the event that the brother who stole the cat actually climbed inside the neighbor’s house through a window to retrieve it. He is currently facing trespassing charges as a result. Live and learn..