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How Other Celebrities Would Go If They Died As Ironically As Paul Walker

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paul walker-custom car

Say what you want about his acting, but Paul Walker went out in a blaze of glory. He will forever be remembered as “that guy from those shitty racing movies who died in a horrible car crash.” If that’s not irony, I don’t know what is.

Here’s how other celebrities would die, if only they died as ironically as Paul Walker.

Angelina Jolie
Drowned in her bedroom. Stomach pump revealed semen samples from 84 different men.

Hugh Grant
Stomped to death by an angry mob of soccer hooligans who were sick of him “making English people look like such fucking pussies.”

Michael Cera
Suicide. Killed himself because being alive was too mainstream.

Charlie Sheen
Drug underdose. Ran out of drugs and died because he didn’t have the strength to last through another shitty season of Anger Management.

Samuel L. Jackson
Eaten by a mother fuckin’ shark.

Tom Cruise
Raped to death by aliens and buried in a child-sized Thetan coffin on planet Xenagok.

Elijah Wood
Died in the fires of Mordor while attempting to destroy the fancy ring of power that has been the source of his sexual confusion.

Vince Vaughn
Couldn’t help himself when Mike Tyson attempted to say “Sally Sells Seashells By The Seashore” ten time fast.

Bryan Cranston
His head was found in an ice chest in Mexico.

Seth Rogan
The only documented case of marijuana overdose, ever.

Vin Diesel
Insisting on living his life “a quarter mile at a time,” he never had the foresight to go to a doctor, and dies of cancer that was diagnosed far too late.

Nicholas Cage
Starred in a chart-topping movie, which caused the fabric of space and time to rupture.

Steve Buscemi
Died of shock when he looked at himself in the mirror. Weasels devour his corpse.

Andy Milonakis
Died from testosterone poisoning when he went through puberty at age 48.

William Shatner
Solidifies into a plastic statue after one too many botox injections. Trekkie nerds build a mausoleum around him, to which they make pilgrimages and lovingly refer to as “The Masturbatoreum.”

Danny Trejo
Shot to death by police after smoking PCP and eating a baby.

Tommy Lee Jones
Died from being old. That’s all.

Jennifer Aniston
Type-casted to death. Her tombstone reads, “Here lies Rachel. That’s all she ever was.”

Mel Gibson
Willingly died for our sins but was too much of a douchebag to be resurrected.

Jennifer Love Hewitt
Killed over something that may or may not have happened during a previous summer.

Chuck Norris
Fatally round housed himself in the face, thus reconciling all paradoxes in the universe.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Amended the constitution to allow him to run for President. His motorcade was blown up by a Cyberdyne Systems military drone that malfunctioned. The tragedy was purportedly blamed on the future.

Johnny Depp
Found dead in Tim Burton’s basement after taking a thousand hits of acid and cutting off his hands with scissors.

Gary Busey
Tore out his endocrine system and choked to death on his own bullshit.

Leonardo DiCaprio
Killed himself for never winning an Oscar. He submitted his suicide confessional video to the Academy Awards and even though it was unanimously considered to be “the performance of a lifetime,” it still failed to win an Oscar.

Robert De Niro
Murdered by his stressed son-in-law, who also happens to be in the mob.

Keanu Reeves
Turned into ashes after Van Helsing drove a stake through his heart.

Billy Bob Thornton
Completed his STD bucket list and died of dick rot. Also a person of interest in Angelina Jolie’s death.

Orlando Bloom
Killed by Navy Seal snipers off the coast of Somalia.

Christopher Walken
Died during the unveiling of a new statue at an agricultural fair. The foundation of the statue crumbled and Walken was crushed by a 3,000-pound cowbell.


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RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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