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Houston Astros’ GM to Fans: “Sorry We Suck”

The Houston Astros, Major League Baseball’s worst team, are well on their way to closing out an historically bad season. Not that anyone really cares, the Houston Texans are good for the first time since forever and Houstonians aren’t exactly the most loyal of baseball fans anyway. But in an attempt to keep fans coming back for more punishment, General Manager Jeff Luhnow sent a letter to Astros season ticket holders to let them know that the team is totally going to turn things around. Can’t wait to see the look on his face when he remembers they have to start playing in the American League next year.

Here are a few excerpts from the letter:

We share your frustration with the results on the field so far this year. After a successful Spring Training, we played good baseball for the first two months of the year. On May 25, we beat the Dodgers in Los Angeles and we were one game under .500 and just four games out of first place. That turned out to be our high-water mark for the season…

Their high water mark for the season was being one game under .500 and four back of first place… in May. At this point the only way the fans are coming back is if they make all the walls as short as the Crawford Box and install a second, higher up train to circle the stadium so that they can have train races to distract the fans from the awful baseball happening on the field.

…but it demonstrated that our players were capable of competing with the best teams in the league.

Ehhh, not really.

Since that time we have underperformed everyone’s expectations, including our own. We ran into a combination of bad luck, injuries and a lack of depth that led to our deteriorating record through the midsummer months.

Translation: We got really lucky at the beginning, but after May 25, our true colors showed. We’re terrible, and our roster is full of fragile players who lose games because they field a bunt like a bunch of drunk little leaguers.

Our promise to you as a fan is to work as hard and as smart as we possibly can to achieve this goal quickly. We have made significant progress towards this objective in 2012….

Significant progress? Do baseball teams start tanking for the top draft pick in June? Or ever?

Our focus in 2012 was on creating and fostering a winning mindset throughout the Minor Leagues that will eventually flow up into our big league team.

Translation: Does it make you feel any better if our minor league teams were good? No? Okay.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2012 Houston Astros season. Everyday is a new low.

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